Creative Ways to Transform Challenges:
Reducing Stress

 

The Practice of Being Still  Nancy O'Hara, Excerpted from Serenity in Motion (Warner Books, 2003)

We can be moving at a furious pace even when we’re not in motion. This activity is usually our mind working overtime, which can cause stress, distress, anxiety, and health problems. The solution then is simple: slow down the movement of our mind.

But when our mind continues to move, even after our body is quiet, it can keep us from making the effort to be still, which moves us even further away from a calm mind. Our mind keeps chattering once we’ve stilled our body because our mind doesn’t want us to be still. When we are still, our mind inevitably slows down and is no longer in charge. But our mind, and most especially our petty-ego, wants to be in charge; it is not happy when it’s not, so it does everything in its power to keep us moving. And it usually wins.

So then the question becomes: how do we take charge of our mind? You might also wonder: isn’t my mind me? If I’m not in charge of my own mind, then who or what is? Good questions. Put them aside for a moment and consider this: if you were truly in charge of your mind, wouldn’t you just be able to say to it: calm down, relax, don’t worry, stop thinking so much, and other similar things? Haven’t we all tried such coaxing? Has it ever worked?

So now what? Well, the good news is that there is a way to take charge. Rather than fighting fire with fire, pitting will against will, you can learn another approach to relieve the pressure, quiet your mind, and let go of the need for answers.

What is this miraculous way? What do we use, if not our will, to calm ourselves and become masters of our minds?

Breath.

It’s really quite simple. Almost too simple for our complicated minds to understand and accept.

Breath.

It may seem like there must be more to it, but the answer is: not really.

It is simply a matter of concentrating and bringing your attention to your breath. The key concept here is concentration. This is where your indomitable will can be utilized. Draw all of your energy and spirit into each breath; and as you do, draw your breath deeper and deeper into your belly-mind. Each time your mind strays, gently draw it back as you would a windblown scarf, and concentrate with all your might and attention on each inhalation and each exhalation. This is not an easy task. Each time, thoughts and sounds and disappointments will disturb you. But there will come a point when you will experience, for a fraction of a second, such full concentration on your breathing that all thoughts and outside interference will halt. This “space between thoughts” is where your truth resides, where your essence is revealed. Eventually, with practice, these moments will get longer, and you will completely lose yourself in the practice of concentrated breathing, deep in your belly. Then you will know why this practice is so valuable. You will experience contentment as never before; and a deep understanding will prevail. But even before this, when you engage in this concentrated breath practice each day, for fifteen, twenty, forty minutes, a number of things happen:

•  your body slows down

•  your breath gets deeper

•  your mind follows and begins to slow down (sometimes kicking and screaming, but eventually giving in peacefully)

•  your heart rate slows

•  anger, depression, and anxiety abate

•  pain symptoms relax

•  plus much more

You have the power to manifest these benefits. So concentrate, keep a positive attitude, and breathe your way to serenity.

As you become more aware of your breath, you will naturally cultivate a spirit of gratitude for your breath—because it equals life. Prior to this breath-attention practice you most likely took your breath for granted. But no longer. Once you stop taking your life-source for granted you will extend this same attitude to all other things and people and circumstances. You might have to remind yourself now and then, but if you keep up the breath-awareness practice then the practice of gratitude will automatically follow.

LISTENING

How many of us know how to really listen? Do we know how to listen to our own mind as it careens out of control and races off on some tangent or other, into the past or the future? Or to others—our co-workers, loved ones, or strangers—as they attempt to communicate something to us? To the everyday sights, sounds, and sensations that surround us? Even if we think of ourselves as good listeners, and are seen that way by others, it is wise to be open to the idea that there is always more to learn, that there are deeper levels of hearing we can access.

The practice of listening can be done anywhere at any time. Opportunities to hone your listening skills are presented to you throughout each day. All that is required is to still yourself and pay attention. Once you decide to really listen, bring your whole body into the activity, not just your ears and your brain. You do this naturally anyway, but I invite you to witness yourself doing it and then expand upon this power. The very next time you hear a pleasant sound—a child’s laughter or a church bell—stop and pay attention; breathe it into you. Listen to it with your gut, your belly, your toes. Do it right now as you read this. Listen to the room sounds in this way. Same thing with an unpleasant sound—police sirens or traffic noise. First notice your reaction and resistance to it, your impulse to will it away, and how that affects your body. Then invite the sound in (what other choice do you have?) and notice the difference. Rather than let any sound, pleasant or unpleasant, become a distraction, allow it to be part of your environment, part of your personal space. Be with the sounds, move with them, and give up the battle to control them.

Here’s an exercise that can be practiced every time you exchange words with someone else:

First, as they speak to you, notice your reaction to them. Are you thinking about how their message affects you, how to respond to them, or what they need from you? Do you find yourself interjecting comments or gestures to signal to them that you’re listening? How much of your listening is about you rather than about them?

Second, experiment with the notion that it’s okay for you to say nothing. Then just listen and curb your desire to jump in, to insert yourself. Wait until they’ve said all they want to say before you speak. If there’s silence, as they struggle to formulate an idea or reach for some word, let the silence be okay. Don’t rush to fill it. Practice being silent and just listening.

Engage a friend in this listening exercise: take turns speaking and listening. Choose a topic to talk about—your boss, your partner, a recent experience, or a career ambition—and then spend five minutes listening, as your friend speaks, and five minutes speaking, as your friend listens. When you listen, just listen—in stillness and in silence. In no time you will see that when you free yourself of the obligation to respond, not only do you become a better listener, but also your partner feels heard in a new and expansive way.

STANDING

Standing still is anathema to so many these days. Our lives are about movement, about doing, about getting someplace. We so rarely are where we are. Instead, we’re into the next thing, place, thought, or action before we even get there. And then when we do get there we hardly take the time to be there, as we’re off into the next whatever. We are racing to catch up with ourselves, which usually leaves us stressed out and short of breath, hoping everything will stop, and wondering whence relief will come. We even chase after relief, even though it is eternally out of reach when we do chase it.

If this is all true, it seems that the solution is to just stop. But because this is nearly impossible to contemplate, let alone accomplish, we feel defeated before we even begin. We’ve tried slowing down before with little success. The surprise here is that you are already doing what you need to do and the only thing now is to take advantage of those already existing moments.

Standing. At the bus stop, the copier, or ATM machine. In the theater or grocery store checkout line. Waiting for the elevator to arrive or the stoplight to change. Throughout the day we frequently find ourselves standing with no place to go, and too often we squander this time. Anxious for movement, we view the stillness, the lack of motion, as a waste of time. Paradoxically, when we’re on life’s treadmill all we want to do is stop. Yet when we do we yearn to move. Just one example of never being satisfied with where we are.

All it takes to transform these moments from dreadful to delicious is a little mind movement, a shift in attitude. Even if you cannot go directly to a new outlook, if you’re reading this you most likely have the willingness to take a different approach. And if you’re willing, then change is possible.

When your body comes to a standstill your mind doesn’t always follow right away, which is why not moving can create such internal discomfort. So when you find yourself standing still with your mind on fast forward, there are two things you can do.

One, become aware of your body in space, where it is, how it feels. Notice your posture and any tension you might have in your spine. Make slight adjustments to how you’re standing and breathe into your whole back as you center your awareness on the fact that you are able to stand upright. Feel your feet standing firmly on the ground. Imagine that there are roots solidly planting you into the earth, your legs the trunk of a tree, your upper body the branches gently swaying in the breeze. If you’re carrying heavy bags, place them down as you stand there, unburdened and free. Appreciate your body; savor the moment. Be there with every inch of every fiber of your being.

Two, once you’ve stilled your body, observe your mind and where it wants to take you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Watch your thoughts; simply stand there, breathe into your belly, be in your body, and pay attention—without judgment or criticism. Consider that everyone around you, standing with you, contains a similarly active mind. It might take time, but know that if you still your body the mind will eventually follow and reach a state of stillness—the first step to serenity.

And keep in mind that there are no needless, wasted moments. Each one is precious and an opportunity to experience contentment. So stand tall in your life with all that it offers, good and bad, and know that serenity is available in and through everything. Be sure to stand wherever you are and you won’t miss it.

SITTING

Although we may find ourselves sitting down through much of the day, how many of us ever make a conscious decision to just sit? Usually when we’re sitting, we are also driving or eating or working or watching a movie or relaxing. Sitting is usually about something other than just sitting. And if we’ve ever contemplated the idea of sitting for the sake of sitting, perhaps we’ve concluded that it would be a simple waste of time—so even if we’ve been advised to do it, we often choose not to. Just the thought of sitting and doing nothing may terrify us, especially when it’s linked to the word “meditation.” Take this moment and discard all your preconceived notions of what sitting still is all about. Drop the word “meditation” from your vocabulary. And then allow yourself to be open to sitting in a new way.

Just sitting. Here you will find the source for your serenity. Just sitting. Here you will develop a practice of being still that you can then bring into all your other activities. Just sitting. This is the only suggestion in this book that it’s best not to skip.

So take a seat with the clear intention to just sit. Begin with five or ten minutes and use your body and your breath to do it. Let your mind come along for the ride, or in this case “the sit.” Concentrate on your posture (erect), your breathing (deep and slow), and your fingers and toes (relaxed). Begin each session with closed eyes in order to draw your attention inward. Then once you’re focused, gently open your eyes and just breathe. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Watch as your mind tries to pull you away from any discomfort you might experience. Breathe deeply into your belly. Expect nothing. Simply and gently, just sit and breathe. Practice being still. The longer you still your body, and the deeper into your belly you breathe, the quieter your mind will become. This practice of sitting still and doing nothing will eventually create space between thoughts. This space will hold pure, intrinsic awareness. This will be the breeding ground for serenity—not just as you sit, but at all times. So sit still and discover this internal mechanism for creating peace and harmony within, no matter what is going on outside. Then you can carry it with you always and tap into it whenever you need it.

WAITING

Waiting. We all do it. We wait for the movie to start, the train to come, the weekend, our vacation. We can’t wait until we meet the “right” partner, we’re in the perfect job, or we have more money. What we’re really doing in all these situations is waiting for our life to happen. Waiting for the next thing. Biding our time. It isn’t your fault, you might say—“the train isn’t here yet” or “I’m so unhappy in my job.” Perhaps. But consider this: the train may never come. Then what? Your life will have been about just waiting. If this idea doesn’t appeal to you, then you can begin to transform your waiting time into being-present time.

One way to convert the “waiting” into “being” is with language. All it takes is some willingness and then awareness. Each time you notice yourself using the word “wait,” change it to something else. For instance, “I’m waiting for the train, it’s late again” can be changed to “I’m at the train station. My train isn’t on schedule. That gives me time to read undistracted. What a gift.” From negative, biding-time language to positive, present-moment language. Feel the difference? And once your language changes, your attitude and behavior will change. And then peace of mind will be close at hand.

Usually we get irritated if we find ourselves waiting for something or someone, because we feel duped. We did not schedule the waiting time into our day, we are in a hurry to get to the next thing, and we feel at the mercy of some outside force. All of which makes us feel like victims. But if we can see the flip side of this and admit that it is not something being done to us, it is just something that happens, we can then react in a more positive way and use it to our advantage.

Waiting can be an opportunity, a gift of time, to spend constructively, frivolously, or however else you choose. Use it to do the crossword puzzle or read that magazine you never have time to otherwise. Daydream or write a love letter that you may never send. Strike up a conversation with a stranger. Not to pass the time, but to be present in time. Notice how time expands when you’re waiting for something else to happen. The seconds seem to tick by slower than usual. Rather than defining this as lost time, see it as found time; as time that moves slowly, time that you can be in and savor. Once you rephrase your approach to this waiting period, settle down into it and let the power of it, the gift of it, wash over you and create stillness in your mind. You will see how easy this is to do once you do it the first time. Coax your mind back from its destination—where you expected to be once the “waiting” is over—and be present in your current circumstances. You will learn soon enough that you can’t be anywhere else. So why not be here and enjoy it? Otherwise, one day your life will be over and you won’t remember how you got there.

WATCHING TV

When you watch television do you do it mindlessly, hoping to relax and put out of your mind the travails of the day? Do you ever sit for hours in front of the tube to escape your usual life? Do you do it for lack of something else to do? Do you always have it on in the background even if you’re not sitting and watching it? Do you sometimes feel guilty after watching it, sure that you could have spent the time more productively?

Whatever your answers to these questions may be, the bottom line is that if you have a TV in your house you have a relationship with it. If you don’t have a TV, you can substitute your computer, CD player, radio, or telephone here. In any case, your relationship with your appliances can be improved—by employing the tools of mindfulness and concentration. Two tools that we will be using throughout this book to nurture serenity and contentedness.

Mindfulness first. If there’s a particular show you’re fond of or you want to wind down from your day, make the decision to watch TV and set the time aside exclusively for this purpose. Consciously choosing to turn it on and watch, rather than slipping into an old habitual pattern, is the first step to mindful viewing. Then sit down and just watch the program. Don’t eat, read, clean, or do anything else as you watch TV. Mindfully pay attention to what you are watching, to where you are sitting as you watch, to how you’re feeling, and what your enjoyment level is.

Then concentrate on just watching your show. No strain or exertion. Simply concentrate on what you’ve chosen to do. Be there with the TV, just you and it. Even if family members are watching with you this can still be your exercise, with you and the TV. No one else need even know what you’re doing.

Spend a week or two mindfully concentrating on this activity of sitting still and just watching. Take notice of the various realizations that arise in connection with this practice. Are you enjoying TV more or less this way? Does it make you want to watch more or less often? What have you discovered about yourself vis-à-vis your habits of television watching?

This practice is not intended to curb or increase the time you spend watching TV. It is meant merely to guide you toward consciously and mindfully choosing when and what to watch so that your serenity is not compromised. Once you know what works best for you, give yourself permission to occasionally indulge in some mindless TV watching, just so long as you mindfully make that choice; give yourself the freedom not to punish yourself or feel guilty. And then, enjoy.

BEING PATIENT

No matter how quickly we want things to change or how much we want things, people, situations to be different than they are or how much we want, period, the wisest choice is usually to do nothing. This is the ultimate being-still practice. Doing nothing seems like just that: nothing. Perhaps on the surface it looks that way, but when we do nothing there is a lot going on. This something is called life.

Consider the word “life” for just a moment. What is it? See if you can detach from what you call your life and become an observer, a detached anthropologist of what it is you call your life. Can you see that you cannot know how events in your life will evolve? Can you see that your life has energy with or without your hands on the controls and that it usually goes much smoother if you let go? Can you feel the calm that results from stepping aside for these few moments as you observe this phenomenon called your life, and let life live you rather than you living life?

If you do not experience these things right away, do not worry. Practicing the patience to let life events unfold on their own will give you an opportunity to truly participate in your life rather than continually trying to control the outcome, the results, the solution. And this practice will lead to equanimity and a life filled with life. Ask yourself, what more could you want? As you continue to practice patience, you will know that all is as it should be and your job is simply to show up and ask each day how you can be of service to yourself, your loved ones, and your life. And remember that all answers will be revealed, as my spiritual teacher is fond of saying, “with the readiness of time.”

To put it another way, being patient is simply this: just being and expecting nothing.

 

Copyright © 2003 by Nancy O’Hara. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the publisher.

 

Excerted from Serenity in Motion, Inner Peace: Anytime, Anywhere (Warner Books, New York 2003)

 

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