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Doorways
of Support and Inspiration: Civilization's
Cornerstone: Kindness Alistair McAlpine, Kate Dixey, Excerpt from Triumph
from Failure (Thomson) Kindness is the fuel of
civilization, politeness and courtesy its etiquette, its formalities, and
dignity its aim. Civilization is about responsibility for your own actions, and
it is about tolerating other people’s actions. One person trying to accept
another’s habits is the essence of civilization. Kindness typically reserved
for the home and loved ones can be an attitude encompassing your entire life. Kindness is a gentle,
thoughtful, peaceful thing, most effective in its simplicity. Most humans have
a tendency towards altruism -- it has been proven in all parts of the world
that part of the recovery process of disaster victims is altruistic behaviour. Lord Byron, the famous nineteenth-century
English romantic poet, wrote beautifully of kindness, “The drying up a single
tear has more of honest fame than shedding seas of gore.” There is a gentleness to kindness that is noble. Kindness gives you
not only strength, but also an inner beauty. The American philosopher and poet,
Ralph Waldo Emerson, wrote, “There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behaviour, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around
us.” Kindness, however, is not
just the stuff of poetry and poets; it is also the stuff of sound business
sense. You never know to whom you are being kind. Kindness to an unfortunate
may result in, and indeed often has turned out, to be repaid 100 times. The
twentieth-century French writer, André Gide, had a
view of kindness, “True kindness presupposes the faculty of imagining as one’s
own the suffering and joys of others.” What Gide
refers to here is, in fact, sensitivity. If you are to succeed in business, you
need sensitivity, and sensitivity can be developed. In fact, “Kindness can
become its own motive.” It should be easy to
express kindness at work as opportunity abounds with typically large groups of
people around you. People who show kindness demonstrate strength of character;
it is admired and it is contagious. Importantly, kindness to your colleagues
shows that you have confidence in your own ability, and shows that you have
strength of character. Those around you will notice both of these and admire
them. Both of these characteristics, strength of character and confidence, are
qualifications for promotion. Admiration is totally different from popularity
in the workplace. Bosses prefer to promote those who people admire and are
often suspicious of those who are merely popular. Often it is believed that
there is an emotional expense in giving kindness. People often avoid giving
kindness in the belief that it makes them feel emotionally drained. These
people are mistaken. The truth is, as we have to learn everything else in life,
we must learn about giving kindness. Giving in a truly profound way is
wonderful. If you really give profoundly, you will feel it in your heart and
you will see it reflected in the people around you. “We are made kind by
being kind,” wrote Eric Hoffer, the American social
philosopher in the 1950s. And in the first century A.D., Publius
Syrus, a Roman slave and mime, knew what some
biologists and social scientists claim now to have proven, “You can accomplish
by kindness what you cannot do by force.” Kindness requires patience, an
appreciation of the importance of others, a certain
diplomacy. Compassion and kindness may sound sentimental but they actually lead
to a deeper connection and rapport that create trust, a friendly atmosphere,
compassion, and most importantly for business, an enjoyable synchronicity and
harmony in the working environment. The people who are able to create such an
environment and display these qualities are people who others trust to become a
leader in the business world and the community. Leadership evolves out of
expertise, ambition and luck, but true inspiration comes with a willingness to
connect your own vulnerability with somebody else’s. So do not pass up the
opportunity to remain silent and caring if the need arises. This so-called
“soft” management approach is the ability to make yourself
open and sensitive to others’ feelings. It takes courage to be quiet and listen
to someone else’s discomfort. This can feel strange within a working framework,
but actually it forms a greater professional
respect. The art of kindness is not just approaching a market challenge, but
meeting the needs of each individual to find a resolution. Kindness to those around
you is important, but perhaps more important is kindness to yourself, the most
difficult form of kindness to practice. Reward not only your success but also
your effort. Kindness to yourself helps deal with
rejection. You may get disheartened, and self-kindness alleviates frustration
brought on by an initial lack of success. Often, other people do not want you
to succeed, so self-kindness is not only important, it is necessary. You cannot
get it from others. Kindness to those who fail wins appreciation. Kindness to
those who win when you fail brings respect. Kindness is a building block of a happy
life. Kindness is born in consideration and love. Teach yourself to be
considerate, mostly in small matters, and consideration for others in big
matters will become second nature. In relationships of all
natures, it is well worth remembering that your perspective of other people
will change with the differing situations in which you find yourself. The
memory of a life is made up of many small incidents. Even large incidents are
made up of small incidents, some details well remembered, some half remembered;
some, in the nature of folklore, are distorted fact and embellished fantasy --
details invented that for you have become facts. These incidents, as the dots
that comprise a photograph, are the picture of your life and become a complete
memory. When the circumstances of your life change, the pre-eminencies of these
small dots rearrange themselves and the picture of your life alters. Your
attitude and perception change to issues and people. In extreme cases, heroes
become villains and vice versa. In truth, however, they have not changed;
merely how you see them has changed. Kindness must always be
meaningful. When you are pivoting in your life, it is easy to be confused about
meaningful kindness. Just being lovely to everyone is no solution. Rather, as
always, kindness must be carefully considered, directed with as full knowledge
of the facts as possible. Haphazard kindness, as exemplified by the comedy
routine of the boy scout who took an unwilling old
lady far out of her way across a busy road to earn “a good deed for the day,”
can only cause confusion and distress. As Thomas Fuller, an African slave and mathematician, wrote in 1732, “Unreasonable kindness gets no
thanks.” Kindness has its own
rewards, for those who have succeeded in developing their instincts and
sensitivity can physically experience the sensation of their own kindness
around the area of their heart. The sensation is so memorable that it is
astonishing. Yet we fear and resist that sensation, perhaps because we simply
think that it will feel so good and then disappear, leaving us sad and
disappointed, unhappy that this memorable feeling could come and go so easily. As a sensation, kindness
may frighten people. They are scared because they do not trust kindness in
themselves or others. These people believe that there must be a catch in being
kind. For them kindness is associated with weakness and brutal honesty, which
they regard as an admirable quality but is actually unkindness. Often these
people see themselves as “saying what they think.” More often, they do not take
the simple precaution of thinking before their victims hear what they have to
say. These types of people believe that you are being kind to them only because
you want something from them. They are sad people trapped in a sad suspicious
world incapable of coming to terms with even the first building block in the
construction of happiness. Conversely, kindness
quite often comes from a totally unexpected source, a person who you do not
know well, and certainly did not expect to be kind to you. Even a total
stranger can make an act of kindness to you spontaneously, just because they
felt like giving more than was required. How wonderful you feel when a total
stranger is kind to you; conversely, how wonderful you feel when you are kind
to a total stranger. It is an amazing moment, sparked perhaps by an action that
can be so small as to pass for good manners. The scale of the kindness does not
matter. Kindness has a disproportionate effect on the well being of both the
giver and the recipient. Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth-century English writer
and thinker, is quoted in Boswell’s Life of Samuel Johnson in 1781 as
speaking well of spontaneous kindness. “Always set a high value on spontaneous
kindness. He whose inclination prompts him to cultivate your friendship of his
own accord will love you more than one whom you have been at pains to attach to
you.” Learn to enjoy receiving
kindness, learn to enjoy being thanked. It will make the giver of the thanks
glow and it may produce a second or two of shyness, so intimate that it will
touch the other person deep down inside. Enjoy the acts of giving and
receiving, for they are moments of true beauty. The least expected these
moments are, the greater their beauty. How strange it is that we so often
receive kindness from the most unexpected sources and unkindness from those who
we would most expect to be kind. Kindness over time, however, accumulates into
a pile in our psyche and helps us come to terms with times when people are rude
or unkind. Kindness is fundamentally
different from a desire to please, which is a deferential activity. Kindness is
an instinct, mutual to two people. An instinct evolved in one returned by
another in equal measure. Kindness is without doubt at least a layer of building
blocks in the construction of happiness. Kindness and how you deal with others
are closely intertwined. Do not make that smart remark that is devastating to
the ego of others, forget it, put it out of your mind.
Even to think of hurtful remarks colors your attitude to others and leaves a
stain on your own spirit. Put aside the jibe that leaves even the smallest scar
on your relationship with others. Avoid that verbal passage of arms, as the
argument that often leads to sensuality is not to be confused with the path to
happiness. Needless to say, it is a
lot easier to be kind to someone who is kind to you than to a person who is
unkind to you. Kindness is not an abstract quality. To promise kindness and not
to fulfill that promise is one of the surest ways to damage a relationship.
Trust is suspended by such an action; you are left with a question mark over
you in the mind of other people. Misused kindness, such as giving to take, is
again an action that will break down trust, which is a basis for a satisfactory
relationship. As Juvenal, a Roman satirist, wrote around the year 100, “Nature,
in giving tears to man, confessed that he had a tender heart; this is our
noblest quality.” There are no dangers in kindness. People say to each other
that you can be too kind, but this is untrue. There is no downside to kindness;
you cannot lose through practicing kindness. By being kind you show
strength and attract people. People will want to work with you. They will think
of you as being fair and confident. Other people will know that because you are
kind you are not likely to make judgements based on
petty biases and the prejudices of other people. Other people who you work with
will know that you are your own person and in their confidence you will find
encouragement and feel better about yourself. Even if your kindness is rebuffed
and not reciprocated, however shabby the treatment you receive in return, your
own kindness will fortify your spirit, enhance your life, and lead you towards
happiness. You can never be too kind. Kindness is not a sign of weakness. As
Franklin D. Roosevelt said in a radio address on Excerpted
from Triumph from Failure (Published by Thomson, February
2005) Copyright
© 2005 Alistair McAlpine, Kate Dixey.
Reprinted by permission of the authors. Sir Robert Alistair McAlpine is the author of many successful books, including The
New Machiavelli (1998). In the 1970s and 1980s, he served as Treasurer of
the European Democratic Union and Vice President of the European League for
Economic Cooperation. He was Deputy Chairman of the Conservative and Unionist
Party. McAlpine has also devoted much of his life to
the commercial side of the performing and fine arts. He has served on the
boards of numerous other charitable organizations and is a member of the House
of Lords. He spends his time between Kate Dixey has had a deliberately varied
career, working as a Costume Designer since 1979 with the BBC and ITV
Independent Television Companies, Feature Films, numerous Film Production
Companies, and Advertising Agencies. Beginning in 1985, Kate worked on
commercials designing and styling on major campaigns for companies such as
British Airways, AT&T, BP, Midland Bank, and Nestle. During this period,
Kate completed her studies in Integrated Chinese Medicine qualifying as an Acupuncturist
and runs a private practice in
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