People Tell Their Stories:
Death and Dying

10 Real Life Lessons I learned from Brain Tumors, Cancer, Suicide & Success   Debbie Gisonni (Adapted from Vita's Will)

Death is never easy. It brings your life into focus. Over a period of four years, I lost my mother, father, younger sister and a close aunt. My high tech career afforded me a six-figure income. I had the prestige of being one of the youngest women in Silicon Valley to run a top trade magazine. Yet, at the peak of my career, I decided to walk away. The deaths in my family brought me to a new realization; I had do something more meaningful for myself and for others.

What emerged was Vita's Will: Real Life Lessons about Life, Death & Moving On,  a book about this experience and the important life lessons I learned from brain tumors, cancer, suicide and success. Named after my mother, Vita, which means life in Italian. I've taken the real life lessons from the book and condensed them down to ten mega lessons. I hope they help give you a perspective on your own life struggles.

1. Remember Your Inner Power.

Remember when you were a child and you thought you could do just about anything? Somewhere along the line, words like, "I can't," "It's impossible" or "I don't know how," crept into your vocabulary and you started believing them. But we all begin life with a storehouse of personal power and we can draw on this when the chips are down.

Although Vita was chronically ill and disabled for ten years, she had a remarkable sense of her inner strength. The doctors told us she would never walk again, but she did. They said she would never eat again, but she did. They said she would never come home, but she did. She taught us that you could do anything if you wanted it badly enough. And she did.

2. Move With Life, Not Against It.

My life and career were like a perfectly organized slide show. I was advancing the frames as fast as I could. I loved the constant challenges and expectations; what would the next job be? What would the next raise would be? Then when tragedy hit my family, I wanted to go backwards. I longed to have my "perfect" life back; to return to the days without hospitals, life and death decisions and emotional turmoil.

Then I realized that I had three choices. I could live in the past, be angry every minute about the turn of events life handed my family. I could live in the future and worry about what could happen. Or, I could finally accept the changes in my life, and live in the moment. I didn't know what the future held, and I found concentrating on what I could do today was much easier than going against the flow of life.

3. Connect With People.

I didn't realize how important making connections with people was until I began to spend a lot of time eating lunch in the hospital cafeteria or wheeling Vita round the corridors. I saw all the people no one visited. I always loved to talk to people and Vita's long-term illness gave me and my family an opportunity to connect with people we never would otherwise have encountered. When Vita came home from the hospital, people from every part of the world came in and out of our house to care for her. I learned about fried green tomatoes, cornrows and Buddha. Despite our different cultures and beliefs, we were much more alike than different. I discovered that the joys of connecting with others was nourishment as important as food or water.

4. Know What's Important.

One time, when my father was undergoing chemotherapy, I received an important promotion to Associate Publisher and a large increase in compensation. Usually, my father would have thrilled with this type of news but this time he said to me, "Debbie, how much money do you need?" I realized he was trying to teach me a very important lesson: I already had everything I needed. Money had nothing to do with my happiness. That lesson played a major role in my decision to leave the corporate market and to leave behind the financial security it provided. After all, it was just a job!

I often confused material things and having money, with the things that are priceless in life. When you lose someone in your life, it makes an immediate adjustment in your priorities. The day my sister, Angela, and I had to clean out our sister Martha's belongings after she had committed suicide, I thought about the fights we used to have over clothes and shoes. It made me sick to think about the way we bickered and argued. Now I wondered how we could have spent our time, knowing that a life you love can be gone in an instant.

5. Learn to Laugh.

Some of the saddest moments in life are comical. I found myself laughing during dire circumstances like the gurgling sound of Vita's suctioning machine vacuuming gook out of her lungs or the spastic movements in her arms and legs. I even found humor at the most solemn occasions. Moments before guests arrived at Vita's wake, the funeral director asked my sister, Angela and I to view her body. While I was kneeling in front of the casket and praying, I noticed something peculiar about her mouth. The corners of her thick, full bright red lips were slightly upturned. Not only did she seem to be smirking, but her lips reminded me of the Joker from the movie Batman! Angela and I both got a good laugh at the ridiculousness of it.

6. Give Yourself a Break.

I've always been the consummate perfectionist. I would pick out all my outfits for the school or work week and have them ironed and ready to go by Sunday evening. Those small things were in my control, but the big things weren't. I could not save the people who were most precious to me.

After Martha's suicide, guilt invaded my body, mind and spirit. I was nauseated, couldn't eat and lost ten pounds on my already thin body. I began to hate the darkness, and I didn't want to be alone for fear of encountering Martha's ghost. It was only after seeking professional help that I was able to release this guilt, forgive Martha and give myself a break.

7. Be Humble.

It is a humbling experience to watch your mother lying in a hospital bed with numerous tubes connected to her body, her life in the hands of the doctors and God. Rich or poor, famous or not, we all bleed the same. I learned to treat everyone with respect, regardless of what they looked like, who they are or what they have. And, I will never again judge a person's spirit by their physical condition.

8. Learn to Love.

Giving love can simply mean being kind to someone or comforting them. I encountered so many people in hospitals that were longing for love. I could see it in their faces and in their eyes. A friendly smile or a kind word had a tremendous impact on their spirit and on mine. Even when someone is dying, there's much you can do to comfort them.

When my Aunt Yolanda was dying of breast cancer, her body was swollen from the effects of chemotherapy and her chest looked like it had been burned in a fire from the radiation. I would rub sweet smelling lotion all over her, slowly massaging her aching body. This personal touch did more for her than any medicine could do. She would thank me again and again and tell me how warm and relaxed it made her feel. You don't have to solve all of someone's problems to bring joy into their life. You just have to make small gestures of kindness.

9. Don't Cheat.

There is no instruction manual for life. No troubleshooting guide. No test at the end to determine if you learned all the right stuff. If you are true to yourself and others, you've learned the difference between right and wrong. If you aren't, you've only cheated yourself.

My father, Tommy, taught me the importance of integrity and honesty by example. He was a man who never allowed outside influences to splinter his foundation of ethical and moral strength. In an editorial he wrote to a local newspaper, he stated towards the end, "When will we ever discover what wonderful fruits we can reap, individually and collectively, if only we adhere to our moral obligation to God and man."

10. Be Thankful.

There is something to be thankful for in every minute of every day whether it's the warm sun, a phone call from an old friend or just another day of living. When my life was running smoothly, I took these simple pleasures in life for granted.

Having spent ten years visiting my family in hospitals and other care facilities, I saw people who lived but couldn't speak, walk, breathe, eat, see, hear or move. Instead of feeling sorry for my family, I began to feel grateful for everything in my life. The difficult moments and the joyful times are all gifts of some kind, and I give thanks to God each night for all them.

© 2000 Debbie Gisonni. All Rights Reserved. Article reprinted by permission of Debbie Gisonni.
Debbie Gisonni is Founder and President of Real Life Lessons, a company dedicated to helping people manage or implement major change in their lives. She is the author of Vita's Will:  Real Life Lessons about Life Death and Moving On,a story about a time in Debbie's life when she lost family members in four years, how she stayed sane and happy through it all and the lessons she learned that could help others with their own life challenges. It's a true story sprinkled with doses of spirituality, coping advice and humor. Vita's Will can be ordered through Internet booksellers or major book stores. To find out more about Debbie, her company, Vita's Will or to contact Debbie, go to: www.reallifelessons.com

|  Death   |  |  People Tell Their Stories  |