People Tell Their Stories:
Healing/Illness/Caregiving

 

Facing A Childhood Insecurity  Qué Banh

 

"Look at the dumb gimp chink, she can't even walk up the stairs right. She shouldn't be allowed to be here with us normal kids."

 

Two sentences uttered behind my back was all it took for my walls of defense to go up.  I didn't even know his name but his words I will always remember. 

When I reached my adult years I realized just how much I had let those little words mentally cripple me.  It had fed upon the insecurity I already had from being disabled and feeling different.  My childhood logic told me that the best defense was to try to appear as normal as possible.  From the day that those abusive words were spoken I tried to avoid situations where I would be seen climbing stairs. 

The avoidance defense worked for me as a kid but it no longer serves me in adulthood.  I no longer want to be crippled by childhood demons.  I decided the only way for me to get this fear of being seen out of my system was to get into counseling to face it head on.  Scary as counseling and revisiting old memories would be, it is more frightening to me to keep living in my insecure shell.

 

Since arriving in Canada, I was in and out of the hospital and school systems.  I felt safe in the hospital environment because there were a lot of other children who were sick like I was and some were even worse off than myself.  No one made fun of the way I looked or moved because we all had a mutual bond. 

When I left the hospital and entered public school for the first time is when I first felt really different. It seemed to me that I could not relate to any of my peers and I noticed for the first time that I looked very different from everyone else.  The boy who uttered those sentences to me reinforced my negative thinking.

 

It was after lunch and both grade 1 and 2 classes were to go upstairs to the library for reading time.  My teacher let me go first as I take longer than the other children to climb up the four flights to the library.  I was halfway up the second flight when I heard snickering behind me.  I turned my head briefly and noticed two boys pointing at me.  They acted like I wasn't even there.  Then I heard the poisonous words leave one boy's mouth.  This was followed by a 'Yeah I know!" and then some laughter.  It is so vivid in my mind I can sometimes feel the blood boiling in me when I recall the memory.  Whoever said 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' is ignorant of the power of words. 

 

Hurtful words were quite foreign to me until I entered school and I learned quite quickly that I needed to protect myself to survive there.  Being physically disabled knocked out my chances for protecting myself in other ways than mentally.  So I did the only thing I thought I could do at that time, I set up my own mind defenses. 

All through my years at school I avoided stairs and any situations where I would have to walk in front of people.  I avoided climbing stairs in high school until I was sure that the stairways would be all clear.  That did not work to my advantage as by the time the stairs cleared I'd be late for class and that would be a situation for having to walk in front of people.  I often wondered if anyone in my life knew that was the main reason I tried to avoid school.  I'm inclined to think that no one did because I conned myself to use any other reasons but the true reasons, deep-rooted fear and insecurity. 

 

Years of stress had taken its toll and I knew my body was telling me there was something I needed to face.  I took my first baby step and called my social worker and asked for a counseling referral to help me work through my issues.

 

After I had made contact with my referral I had to take the next baby step and go to my first session.  I was extremely nervous and frightened about revealing my fears to a stranger.  What kept me on track was reminders to myself that I could no longer be ruled by fear and be happy and that my childhood defenses no longer worked in my world today.  I have faced my old demons in the face with the help of a caring counselor.

 

One of my first awakenings was allowing myself to feel the pent up anger and sadness I had repressed for so long.  Once I was able to release that in a healthy manner, like starting a journal and building up a support circle, I was able to address the underlying issues. 

 

Although the healing journey has not been fully completed as of yet, I am very happy that I am now at least looking out of my once fully insecure shell and I know that my path is right.

 

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Ms. Qué Banh, age 27, Polio survivor

Victoria, BC, CANADA

PT student of Education

Member of Queen Alexandra Pioneer Club Executive