Domestic
violence ... are you a victim? Jill Curtis
Violence in the home is a
crime we are all becoming more aware of each year. In the UK a quarter of all reported violent
crimes are domestic. In the US the estimate of the number ranges
from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former partner to four
million each year. But domestic violence is also a world-wide problem.
What is violence - or
abuse? It is about power, and this can be about controlling a partner by either
physical or emotional abuse. It is rarely a one-off event. There are also many
different forms of abuse, and physical attack is only one of them. Perhaps most
of us think of a black eye or broken arm, but sex can be used as a way of
dominating a partner. So can ridicule. So can control of family finance. So,
too, can shouting and screaming.
Does your partner accuse
you of all manner of ‘crimes’? These may even be everyday events, such as
looking out of the car window to look at other men or talking for too long to
friends and family on the telephone! Jealousy is a formidable spur for many
attacks.
Do you feel under threat
of violence? Have you been on the receiving end of a violent attack? Do you
have to ‘account’ for time spent away from home? Does emotional or verbal abuse
play a part in your relationship?
Psychological abuse can
at times be even more damaging than physical abuse. It can be something which
whittles away at your self-esteem until you may even begin to believe
that you are ‘stupid’, ‘useless’ or that you ‘deserve it’. Attempts at
retaliating may bring further violence: tears of frustration and helplessness
are ridiculed and mocked. If this is happening to you it may make it even more
difficult to break away and do something about your situation. Loss of
self-esteem, and being made to believe you are ‘worthless’ make it difficult to
think about getting help. Does this sound familiar? You may also be on the
receiving end of blackmail, for that is what it is, if you partner threatens to
kill himself - or herself - if you leave. Or to harm the children.
Sometimes there is a
warning that violence is imminent, and this may be triggered by alcohol or drug
abuse. Other times an attack can come out of the blue.
Violence against women is
only part of the problem. It is sometimes the woman who is violent towards her
man. This is known as the hidden side of domestic violence. For a man to be on
the receiving end of abuse is often seen as a comic situation, and sadly this
adds to the reluctance men have to come forward and speak about it. But it
happens all the same. The humiliation which accompanies this abuse makes it
just as hard for men to break free and seek help. Erin Pizzey
who founded the first refuge for battered women and children in London, England, now speaks of her concerns for
men as well.
On the Internet there are
several different support groups for women on the receiving end of violence.
And in the US, Australia and New Zealand I could find help for men, but it
was virtually impossible to find help for men in the UK. I wonder why this should be so?
One survey in the US discovered that where women have
been accused of violence towards men it was not as one might suppose from self-defence, but as a reaction to men not paying attention or
listening to them. I am not the judge, but these must have been very desperate
women.
The Department of Justice
reports that every 37.8 seconds somewhere a man is battered in the US. Every 20.9 seconds a woman is
battered. Frightening figures. The Home Office in the UK reported in their survey into
domestic violence that women are more likely to be badly injured and to suffer
repeated attacks than men. But domestic violence is a two-way street not be
tolerated whichever way it goes. No one should live their day-to-day life in
fear of another.
The question often asked
is why do people stay in an abusive relationship? The most common reason is
because of financial restraints or fear of losing the children. It is easy from
the outside to say ‘get out’ but often there is hope that ‘things will get
better’ or shame at saying to an outsider ‘I am being beaten’. There is
sometimes a mistaken belief that love will conquer all. This usually covers up
a reluctance to bring things to a head and face all the changes that a
challenge might bring about.
If there are children in
a relationship this brings with it added worries. All research shows that if
children witness their parents’ marital discord and fighting, this will affect
them deeply and their emotional well-being will be harmed. They will be scared
by what they see and hear. Don’t trick yourself into believing that they do not
notice, or will not be affected by it.
The sites I found most
helpful on the Internet were where addresses or telephone numbers of refuges
were listed and where it was indicated that although in the main these were for
women and children, they were also sympathetic towards men who needed help.
There is help ‘out there’ so don’t be afraid of looking for it.
There are people who will listen, and help you to decide upon the best course.
They will also provide some guidelines to assist you with your own safety, and
that of your children. Be on guard, too, even if you have left your abusive
partner, since you need to keep alert.
If any or all of this
rings a bell with you, or you know of someone who is being abused, don’t
hesitate, get help and protection now. Some men and
women have delayed, and tragically they are no longer alive.
©
Jill Curtis 2002 Reprinted from http://www.familyonwards.com
by permission of Jill Curtis. All rights reserved.
Jill Curtis is a
senior psychotherapist working in the UK. She is the author of
three books: Where's Daddy?, a book about helping children after a divorce,
and Making and Breaking Families, 'The Way Ahead for Parents and their
Children'. Both books have been warmly received by parents, counselors and
everyone seeking help with family difficulties. Her new book Find Your Way
through Divorce was published in October 2001. She is just completing
another book, Does Your Child have a Hidden Disability? Jill has
developed the website familyonwards.com, which has over a
hundred articles on it and a continually expanding section of reviews of books
on family issues, She has also contributed to a variety of other web sites
connected with parenting, families, self-help, divorce, gay issues and
women's interests.
