I've Always Wanted to be Fifty Alissa Susan Demers

 

I've always wanted to be fifty. Ever since I was a little girl I can remember wanting so badly to be in a place in my head that was calm
and clear. I wanted so much to be in a place of peace. I wanted to be sure of myself and be a confident woman. For some reason I thought
that feeling and beingness would come about around fifty years old. But there was a time that I wasn't sure I would make it to fifty. 

 

I was born with a condition called dystonia. There are many types of dystonia. Mine was a condition in which my body gave me no rest. It caused my muscles to contract, tightening and contorting my limbs, making it terribly difficult to walk, move, play,  and dance. But most of all it crushed my spirit a little more year after year, as it was something that came on in a slow progression. By the time I was 15, I was tired and just about done.

 

It had been a long road to even being diagnosed as the doctors thought I had some strange form of cerebral palsy, and I was treated for that with of course no relief. Then when I was finally diagnosed with dystonia, they said that there was nothing that they could do to help me. My muscles would contract painfully in my arms and legs, hips and neck. If I concentrated hard, I could sit at peace but my mind by this point would give me no peace, because I was afraid of everything. Afraid that I would get worse. Afraid that people’s staring and glaring would drive me into complete hiding. Afraid that I would be unable to have any kind of normal life. It was all sometimes to much for me to bear.

 

I lived in a constant state of tension. I was mostly in a state of complete self hatred. If it wasn't for my loving and supportive family I probably would have given up.  I wanted to make it to fifty, but if it was going to be in a tortured little body, I didn't know if I possessed
the strength or the will to carry myself through.

 

Then one day it changed. It was miraculous. Well, it was miraculous to me and my family, but medically speaking, it was just a lucky break. I saw a doctor yet another time. He wanted a look-see, and I thought 'well, why not?' So he look-seed and said he didn't know what he could do but that he would consult some other doctors and get back to us. I had heard that a million times before.

 

We left the office and I didn't give the visit a second thought. Then a week later he called to say he wanted to see me. He had gone home one night and picked up one of his medical magazines and there had been an article about dystonia and how they were treating it with anti- Parkinson’s disease medication. He asked me if I wanted to try it. I said I didn't see why not. I took one half pill that night, one half the next morning. By noon I was FREE AT LAST!!!!!

The pills loosened everything up and masked all the symptoms of my dystonia. At 16 I was able to start living a normal life. Peacefully. At
least that’s what I thought. My body had been set free. But there had been some considerable damage done in my mind, and I found peace still out of my reach, something that I thought could only be obtained in one’s mid to later years.

 

But I would not give up. I had been given a gift, a new lease on my life and I was not going to stop until peace and harmony were mine.

 

I became deeply interested in spirituality. I became a student of knowing myself. I wanted to know who I was,and why I was here. Without the distaction of my body I was able to put my attention on other things.

 

I have made it my goal to find peace. At first, I thought it could be found by going out to the wilderness, or by meditating. I thought it could be found by continual prayers to God, begging the universe to grant it to me. I thought that if you eliminated outside stress that you could find it. I thought that if you got rid of complex relationships, or difficult people you could get peace. And sometimes, I would still think that it was something that I would find only when I reached that ripe and luscious age of fifty. I looked in all these places. Some of these places did in fact help me on my journey of discovering the truth.

 

The truth is peace is found within me. It’s found within my attitude towards myself. My attitude towards myself is I LOVE MYSELF JUST THE WAY I AM.

 

All the world is seen through different eyes in this state of being. The world hasn't changed. My complex relationship haven't changed. My being busy or at rest hasn't changed. I have changed.  I have found that loving myself, ALL parts of me is the key to feeling and being in such a deep sense of peace. The best part of this discovery is that I'm only twenty five. I'm excited to see who I will be when I do get there.

 

Look out fifty, here I come!