People Tell Their Stories:
Family and Relationship Issues

Skillfully Loving Your Child  Jaqueline Kramer

Excerpted from Buddha Mom: The Path of Mindful Mothering (Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, New York 2003)

No matter how much I love my child, parenting is not always a pretty picture. By the time my daughter was fourteen years old she was totally out of control. Years of unresolved pain over the divorce, which ruptured her world, the abandonment by her father, a school system that was so overwhelmed by volume of children and lack of funds that she fell through the cracks and a mother distracted by the struggle to survive, had caught up with her. By fourteen her world exploded. I felt out of control, overwhelmed and without a clue as to how I could help my child out of this downward spiral she was in. Although I didn’t know where to turn to help heal my child I was 100% committed to her well-being. I searched for an alternative and finally found a boarding school that specialized in children who were at risk. The school could give her the special attention she needed, but it turned out to not be enough. One day the headmaster called to tell me Nicole was threatening to run away and that I needed to come get her. I was facing a dilemma. If I let her come home I was teaching her that threats work, yet the school would not keep her there. I was between a rock and a hard place. At times like this, when everything I can consciously come up with is inadequate, I move into a place of surrender. It is through that opening, made by a release of ego, that a third alternative appeared, a 21 day wilderness program in Idaho. I had one day to make the decision whether or not to send her there, find the considerable funds to pay for it and figure out how to get her from Utah to Idaho against her will. One by one the universe supported my resolve to lift my child up. I made the commitment and the pieces fell into place. I told the headmaster to put her on a plane with a chaperone and then, en route to Idaho, she was told that she was going to a wilderness program in Idaho. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do as a mother. I sent my distressed child into the wilderness in the middle of one of the coldest winters on record to find the lost parts of her self.

While she was gone I kept a lit candle in the window with a picture of her taped to it. I prayed every day and stayed with her in consciousness. I read the parenting book they sent me from Idaho and opened to my part of this healing process. I became aware of the changes I needed to make in my parenting. At the end of the 21 days I flew to Idaho and met Nicole at the trails end. There, over the snow covered hills hiked ten children who had touched bottom and found that they could survive. Dirty from three weeks of living out of a backpack, heart open and vulnerable she looked me in the eye and I knew my girl was back. For the first time since she was four years old she was walking without a chip on her shoulder. We embraced, said goodbye to Idaho, and drove back to Utah together so that Nicole could finish out her year at school. On the ride to Utah she thanked me for sending her to Idaho. She talked non-stop for hours, a minor miracle considering that she previously spoke to me only in grunts and single syllables. She told me about how she had learned that there were always numerous points of view. She shared her point of view, asked me what mine was-another minor miracle-and then she shared with me the concept of the third point of view, the eagle eye point of view. She explained, as we drove through the naked brown and white landscape, how important it is to look at a situation from above to get a long range perspective on it. It was one of the most intimate and enlightening few hours I have ever spent. I learned a lot from Nicole on that car ride and she felt empowered as she taught me what she had learned.

If I was just wanting to get rid of her and have someone else solve my "problem", I would have acted with detachment when sending her to Idaho, but my heart was fully engaged, more attuned to her than ever before. This act of letting my beloved child go into the fire of initiation with a deep active love in my heart was an act of equanimity.

Tough love demands hands off action coupled with deep affection. Without authentic unconditional affection and love , tough love can easily become cold detachment, equinimities near enemy. The difference between equanimity and detachment can sometimes be difficult to detect. Equanimity is felt with the heart, not seen with the eyes. Detachment is observation with a closed heart and it causes a great amount of suffering and alienation, both for the one remaining detached and for those who come into contact with that person. Equanimity is observation with an open heart. I needed to be willing to go through the fire alongside Nicole, without interfering with her process. In doing that, profound healing was able to occur as we both grew and expanded our capacity to love. I‘m happy to say that, six years later Nicole is still fundamentally changed from that initiation. She is on track and filled with more self-esteem and self-love than ever before. She sees that experience as a great gift.

Equanimity implies a mental balance and an evenness of temperament. It is the quality of being calm and at peace. Equanimity keeps me from getting caught up in all the emotions that surround me in my everyday life. I am finding equanimity to be one of the jewels of maturity. It has taken living through many winters and watching spring pass and return again and again to not lose myself in mourning when the trees loose their leaves. It is the wisdom that comes from, not only surviving pain, but emerging stronger and wiser from each encounter with difficulty. I have come to a point where, when I find myself in a difficult situation I say, "What can I learn from this". Rather than rejecting the pain I welcome it, knowing there are gifts tucked within its thorny folds.

Excerpted from Buddha Mom: The Path of Mindful Mothering (Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, New York 2003)

© 2003 Jacqueline Kramer. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.

Jacqueline Kramer has been practicing and studying Buddhism for 27 years. She began sticking her toes into Eastern philosophy when she was 16 years old by pouring over a copy of Zen Flesh, Zen Bones and practicing transcendental meditation. Her study and practice began in earnest when she met her meditation teacher Annagarika Dhamma Dinna in 1976. By the time Jacqueline had become pregnant with her daughter Nicole, she had been practicing Buddhism for three years. Jacqueline had been taught to apply the Buddha¹s teachings to everyday life so it was natural for her to apply the teachings to her pregnancy, birth, mothering and homemaking. Aware of the dangers of nuclear arms proliferation, threats to the environment, and tender from her birthing experience, Jacqueline devoted herself to being a part of the solution. Not long after making this commitment, Jacqueline began writing Buddha Mom. Jacqueline's practice is applying mindfulness and compassion to everyday activities. Nicole is now in her 20s. Jacqueline is currently living in rural Sonoma County, California. She is the director of a spiritual growth study group and provides spiritual counseling as a Religious Science Practitioner. Jacqueline holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in painting and sculpture from Bennington College. She teaches art and music appreciation to seniors. Jacqueline sings with a swing big band and performs one-woman shows. She is a freelance writer. For more information: www.buddhamom.com