A Letter To My Future Caregivers  Dee Marrella, Excerpted from Who Cares: A Loving Guide for Caregivers (DC Press, Sanford, FL)

 

Dear Tammy, Lani and Robin,

 

One of my deepest fears is the thought of one day growing old and helpless. I pray that God takes me first. However, there is a strong possibility that He will not. In that case, I want to make the burden of your caring for me as easy and gentle as possible.

 

When Grandmom became “dead weight” and she had to enter a nursing home, I think you can remember how much it broke my heart. She always asked my sisters and me to promise never to put her into a nursing home. I promised, with sincere, loving intentions — but could not keep my promise when she was beyond my physical and mental capabilities. I never want any of you to proclaim that you would never put your mother or father in a nursing home. Sometimes it will be beyond your control. All I ask is that you research and find a home that “feels right” for me. Is the staff friendly? Do the residents look clean and content? Are there visitors around? If possible, I would like a private room. (You know how I react to bad odors, etc.) Please keep air fresheners and potpourri in my room.

 

When you come to visit, please don’t tell me you can’t stay very long. That tells me that you are there because of obligation. Truthfully, in that case, I would rather you stay away and get whatever is rushing you out of the way. Just come and see me when you can spend quality time holding my hand, talking to me and seeing that I am okay. I say all of the above with love and understanding — not with anger.

 

Remember that your husband and children take priority. I know what it was like juggling children’s activities, meals, household necessities, husband’s needs, and to worry and feel guilty about my sick mother. Remember when Grandmom Bea was in the nursing home? I was living in Pennsylvania. Your Dad and I decided that I would leave Pennsylvania every Monday morning and spend Monday and Tuesday in New Jersey with Grandmom. I would pick her up at 9:30 AM and take her back at 4 PM. Each day I would try to plan to have some of her friends meet us at the mall. This sometimes became difficult because she was 91 and most of her friends had passed away. Anyway, by Tuesday at 4 PM, when I dropped her off before heading back to PA, I was exhausted and filled with guilt about having to leave her. I never left her once when she said, “Thank you for coming. I had a nice time. I’ll see you next time.” She would always look depressed and would say, “Why do you always have to leave so soon?” I realized she didn’t want to be where she was. She was always such an alive, active person. I would drive home crying and feeling guilty. I never want you girls to feel that way. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for any quality time you will give me in the future. Never feel guilty when you have to leave.

 

If I am visiting in your home, please talk to me. I may get deaf and I might have weak eyesight, but I can cope with these. I could not cope, however, with being tolerated or forgotten. I desire to be a viable member of the family. I want my grandchildren to love me and want to be around me. Laughter is such a healer. It bothers me so much to see older people sitting amongst others and just listening and not joining in. (Do they feel left out? Do they not want to interact? What makes them feel this way?)

 

Tammy, Lani and Robin — I want to thank you for being such wonderful daughters. You have always been there when Dad and I needed you. When you heard about Dad’s heart operation, Tammy, you organized a schedule so that each of you would spend one week with me. By the end of three weeks, Dad was well on his way to recovery. Lani and Robin — remember when you got the initial call saying Dad had his heart attack? You came right to the hospital in Pennsylvania from New Jersey without packing or grabbing your purses. That shows how little you thought of yourselves at a time when you were needed.

 

Very often a little old lady sat in a wheelchair by the main entry to Grandmom’s nursing home. I would give her a big greeting and hug each time I saw her. One day she grabbed my arm and pulled me back. She said, “I want you to promise to remember what I am going to tell you. When they put me in this nursing home, they took away my house, my car, my furniture — but they couldn’t take away my memories. Go out and get as many good memories as you can.”

 

Tammy, Lani and Robin — thank you for being such loving daughters. I have many wonderful, happy memories of times shared with you. I love you!

 

                                    

                                     Mom

 

 

 

PS:   Always help each other.

 

Excerpted from Who Cares: A Loving Guide for Caregivers (DC Press, Sanford, FL) by Dee Marrella.

 

© 2002 by Dee Marrella.  All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of DC Press, Sanford, FL.

 

Dee Marrella has experienced life as a military wife and a corporate wife and as a result has seen much of the world and experienced many varied cultures. Born in Paterson, New Jersey, Dee spent twenty plus years in the field of education in both Europe and the United States. Experiencing these different cultures afforded her the opportunity to observe vast differences in the ways caregivers interact with older individuals within societies. In 1994, it was medically necessary for Dee’s mother to enter a nursing home. Dee’s constant presence at the home, watching so many caregivers deal with pain, love and guilt gave her the inspiration to create Who Cares. Dee resides in Wyomissing, PA with her husband Len. They are the proud parents of three grown daughters who have given them seven grandchildren. For more information on Dee Marrella and Who Cares: A Loving Guide for Caregivers, contact DC Press at www.focusonethics.com, 407-688-1156.