I am Bipolar - Mara McWilliams -Life Challenges

I Am Bipolar Mara McWilliams

My name is Mara McWilliams. I want to take a moment and thank you for taking the time to read my article about having Bipolar Disorder. This article could change your life or the life of someone close to you, so I hope you continue reading. FACT: Bipolar Disorder has a 30% SUICIDE RATE. What do WE need to do to lower that number, saving ourselves and our loved ones?

I believe the more we educate each other and unite for the sake of mental wellness for all, our world would be a better place for our children to play. I hope you share this belief, if so, welcome to our journey…

Quite honestly, I have been to hell and back and I am proud to be able to stand here tall and say I have survived, and I am continuing to survive, my illness and society’s stereotypes of me. I am also simply a woman, mother, wife, artist, poet, author and a mental health advocate.

While growing up, my parents thought something was a little “off” about my mood swings and preoccupation with the fear of dying. They took me repeatedly to my pediatrician where we were all told I was simply going though puberty and my extreme mood swings would subside as I developed hormonally.

After my mother took me to this same doctor several times a month over the course of a year, we were finally referred to a psychiatrist. I was a scared 16-year-old girl with severe anorexia. The doctor instructed me, during my initial appointment, “If you do not gain weight I am going to have you thrown into the psych ward.” Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but he frightened me beyond anything I had ever felt before. I refused to go back to that doctor for help for fear I would be wheeled out in a straightjacket.

That experience caused me to put off seeing another doctor until I was 19. When I was finally able to get over my fear of psychiatrists, I met with a wonderful doctor who took the time to properly diagnosis me. It was then that I was formally diagnosed with Manic Depression with Major Recurrent Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was also dually diagnosed, as I had previously abused substances to desperately try to find the balance my brain chemistry lacked. The doctor immediately put my on a medication that not only helped my manic depression (now called Bipolar Disorder) but my eating disorder as well.

At that point, I had already been a member of a 12-step program and was clean and sober 2 years prior to my diagnosis.

I have lived with this illness all of my life. I can look back at my childhood now and see the waves so high, then crashing down so low. I have lived with awareness of my illness for 14 years. Those 14 years were some of the most difficult times in my life. There definitely were times where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. Death was literally right outside my door, waiting for me, urging me to take the FINAL plunge. The realization that my brain chemistry really is different than the majority of people did not sit well with me. I fought that fact for years.

I viewed my illness as a personal weakness. It has only been over the past few years that I have discovered the unique beauty of this illness. It was then that I decided to share my art and poetry with the world, hoping above all hopes that one person would be able to relate, and it would help them. The goal: share the beauty of our illness with society, so maybe we can come together and build a bridge of health. As a society, we need to focus on the beautiful unique differences between us, rather than continually be fearful of other’s differences and view them as a threat to one’s stability or safety.

Over the past 5 years I have found that through accepting my illness, I have been given the opportunity to live a rather “normal” life, at least as normal as I have ever experienced.

It took over 10 years to find the right medication combination that worked; not only for my illness, but that worked well with my body. Some of the side effects of the medications we are given are sometimes much worse than dealing with the symptoms of the illness. Many medications cause weight gain, generally around 15-20 pounds. That is a hard thing to accept. But when you have to choose between looking great and feeling balanced, I’ll choose feeling balanced any day.

I have been sober now for almost 4 years (June 24). I have used that time growing into the person I have always dreamt I could be. I’ve made a decision that I am not going to allow myself to be stigmatized. And, if you do want to label me, make me the Bipolar Poster Child, because I believe together as a mental health community we can educate society to the many precious gifts we have to offer our society.

It too often seems in the movies and on TV, or in the news that when a bipolar individual is mentioned it has to do with some negative activity done by the bipolar person. Well, where are the stories about the bipolar people who are MAKING IT? I know where I am at: I’m riding that daily bipolar roller coaster, sticking my arms up in the air, enjoying the ride because it only lasts so long and when I get off, I am willing and ready to love and teach.

Who am I? What am I about? I am a survivor. I feel honored that I get to actively participate in the mental health movement. I have discovered that art therapy, in addition to following medication regimens, has been instrumental in my healing. Due to my disorder, it has taken me a long time to learn how to identify my actual feelings. Through art therapy, I can freely express myself without fear of being offensive or harmful to anyone. If I feel anger, I can paint the anger onto the canvas, using whatever colors feel angry at that moment. I firmly believe that art therapy, journal-ing, any form of self-expression is key in the recovery process. All feelings must find a way to be vented, especially for an individual with a mental illness. It is much easier to find ways to vent happy emotions. But when the intense negativity rolls in and begins to engulf one’s life, the afflicted MUST find a constructive way to release those emotions or the individual could end up in a suicidal depression.

Again, I found that crayons, paper, and a willingness to let go, allowed me to vent my hidden or intense feelings. Before I knew it, my hand was flying through emotions I had no idea existed inside my little heart. But they were there, hidden under the scars, waiting to be released. Art allowed that release to HAPPEN.

It is my sincerest goal to help not only other bipolar individuals, but help our society re-evaluate their misconceptions about people with a mental illness. Hopefully, along my travels, I will be able to help another person or two who has felt the intense feelings I express in my book, poetry, and artwork. If you would like to find out more about me, please visit my web site RECOVERY THROUGH ART at http://www.maramcwilliams.com

Thank you again for taking the time to learn more about mental health.

Mara McWilliams resides peacefully in Northern California with her 7-year-old daughter and her wife, Renee. She has dedicated her life to raising her daughter; volunteering, preserving her mental health, and helping others improve themselves whenever she can. She expresses herself through painting, drawing, and writing.
Mara is the author of Outta My Head and In Your Face The poetry and artwork of Mara McWilliams reflects a journey that led her through the darkest depths of mental illness, to a place where she more often experiences a peace that is the result of tremendous hard work and dedication to a better, balanced, life. This book of selected poems and paintings by Mara McWilliams chronicles that journey. She hopes to give the reader a view into the tortured mind of the undiagnosed mentally ill, as well as to give hope to those whose lives have been touched by mental illness, that a full and beautiful life is possible. For more information, contact Mara at mara@maramcwilliams.com or visit her website: Mara McWilliams.com