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People
Tell Their Stories: Support
and Help for Bisexuals Sheldon Lewin "I wanted every kind of love that was available, but
I could never find them in the same person, or the same sex." -- Cole Porter De-Lovely, a film by director Irwin
Winkler, attempts to set the record straight about the unconventional love
story between legendary songwriter Cole Porter (Kevin Kline) and his rich
socialite wife Linda (Ashley Judd). Porter had an
incredible songwriting career that spawned hundreds of songs, many used in
Broadway shows and film productions. This tender and moving love story
stresses the enduring bond between Porter and his wife Linda Thomas, and
doesn't shy away one inch from the Porter’s life as a
bisexual man. It appears that Porter thrived on a lifestyle that was taboo
and would have destroyed many other men (and was, in fact, illegal in most of
the places that he lived). Porter’s wife knew about his bisexuality when she
married him, but Winkler still portrays her as the love of his life, suggesting
that they had a soulful understanding which transcended sexuality. The movie, which is half drama, half musical, describes how Porter floated effortlessly
between two worlds: Gay and Straight,
What is Bisexuality? Not Gay or Straight, but
somewhere in between? Sexual orientation is not strictly about polarities, but rather exists
on a continuum. Many people feel confused, lost, and out of place in a
society that upholds "black and white" labels. Bisexuality is the potential to feel
sexually attracted to and/or to engage in sensual or sexual relationships with
either sex. The Kinsey scale of zero to six
was developed by sex researchers to describe sexual orientation as a continuum.
Heterosexual people are at zero on the scale, gay and Lesbian people are at six
at the other end of the scale. Everyone in between, from one to five, is
bisexual. People who fall at one or two on the scale have primarily
heterosexual sexual and affectional relationships and desires, but have some
attraction and experiences with same -sex partners as well. People at three on
the scale are approximately equally attracted to both men and women. People at
four and five on the Kinsey scale choose primarily same-sex partners, but are
not completely gay or lesbian and have some heterosexual tendencies and
relationships as well. Bisexual or Bi-curious? Not everyone has had the opportunity to act on their
sexual/ romantic impulses and attractions. That’s why some people prefer the
following definition - a bisexual
is a person who feels potentially able
to have such attraction. This could be anyone who has erotic,
affectionate, or romantic feelings for, or fantasies about experiences with
both men and women. Many people fantasize about many things that they do not act
on. For example, if you are a man and primarily have relationships with women,
but think about what it would be like with a man, you may be bi-curious.
Self-perception is the key to a bisexual
identity. Many people engage in sexual activity with people of both sexes, yet
do not identify as bisexual. Likewise, other people engage in sexual relations
only with people of one sex, or do not engage in sexual activity at all, yet
consider themselves bisexual. There is no quantitative behavioral or psychological
“test’’ to determine whether or not one is bisexual. There are many people out
there who have sexual relationships, experiences, and fantasies with people of
both sexes, and yet they don't consider themselves to be bisexual. Is Bisexuality A Phase? Many people feel that there are really only two
sexual orientations and bisexuality isn’t one of them. They say that everyone
is either heterosexual or homosexual, and that bisexuality is just a phase
going into one orientation or the other. Because heterosexuality is the
general "norm", for the most part we are socialized as heterosexuals.
Bisexuality is sometimes a stage that people experience during the process of
acknowledging their homosexuality. And other times bisexuality is a "curiosity"
stage when people want to experience what sex or a relationship may be like
with a member of the same sex. But still there are many people who come to
identify themselves as bisexuals after a considerable time as identifying as
heterosexuals or homosexuals. For these people, heterosexuality or
homosexuality was the phase... leading to a permanent bisexual identity. How Common is Bisexuality? It’s not easy to say how common bisexuality is, since
little research has been done on this subject; most studies on sexuality have
focused on heterosexuals or homosexuals. Based on research done by Kinsey in
the 1940s and 1950s, as many as 15-25% of women and 33-46% of men may be
bisexual, based on their activities or attractions. Bisexuals are in many ways
a hidden population. In our culture, it is generally assumed that a person is
either heterosexual (the default assumption) or homosexual (based on appearance
or behavioral clues.) Because bisexuality does not fit into these standard
categories, it is often denied or ignored. According to The
Straight Spouse Network, in at least 2 million marriages
nationwide, a spouse will come out or will disclose being gay or bisexual. Bisexual Relationships Bisexuals, like all people, have a wide variety of relationship
styles. Contrary to common myth, a bisexual person does not need to be sexually
involved with both a man and a woman during the same time period. In fact, some
bisexuals never engage in sexual activity with one or the other (or either)
gender. Like heterosexuals and gay people, many choose to be sexually
active with one partner only, and have long-term, monogamous relationships.
Other bisexuals have open marriages,
sometimes referred to as mixed
orientation marriages in which one partner is straight and the other is
bisexual or gay. Bisexuality –Not Always a Musical Without any language to frame their own reality, and no
visible role models or community available to them, bisexual people must have
sufficient self-confidence and belief in their own identity in order to accept
and come to terms with themselves. While literally millions of people are
bisexual, most keep their sexual orientation secret. As a result, bisexual
people as a group are nearly invisible in society. Some researchers even note that
being bisexual is in some ways is similar to being bi-racial. Mixed-race persons generally don't
feel comfortable or accepted by people of either ethnic group, feeling that
they don't belong or fit in anywhere, as their existence challenges the very
concept of race. Like bisexual people, they spend most of their lives moving
between two communities that don't really understand or accept them. Like
biracial people, bisexual people must struggle to invent their own identities
to correspond to their own experience. Forming a bisexual identity helps
bisexual people to structure, make sense of, and give meaning and definition to
their reality. The general public’s perceptions
of bisexuality have not come along way since the days of Cole Porter. Both the straight and gay/lesbian
communities seem to have only two possible views of bisexuality, neither of
which represents bisexual people accurately. The first is the
"transitional view" of bisexuality, believing that all bisexuals are
actually gay or lesbian but are just on the way to eventually coming out as
gay. The other is the "pathological view" that bisexuals are neurotic
or mentally unstable because they are in conflict trying to decide whether they
are straight or gay/lesbian, and that they just can't make a decision. Both
models see bisexuality as a temporary experience or a "phase" born
out of confusion rather than an authentic sexual orientation equally as valid
as heterosexuality or homosexuality. Some
people see bisexuality as inherently subversive because it blurs the
boundaries, confronting both heterosexuals and gay men and lesbian women with
sexual ambiguity. As
a result, bisexuality challenges early concepts of sexuality, traditional
relationship and family structures, monogamy, gender, and identity. Bisexuals
cannot conform to the ethics of either the gay or straight world or they would
not be bisexual. Instead they must re-invent personal ethics and values for
themselves, and create responsible lifestyles and relationships that serve their
needs. Bisexual people also have the problem of dealing with the emotional
distress caused by our significant others whom they love but may not always
understand or accept their attraction to both sexes. AIDS
has had a major impact on the bisexual community. Too often, bisexuals are accused of creating the
widespread transmission of the HIV virus, which causes AIDS. In recent weeks,
the media have started to revisit the story of the "down low" that
was so popular last year. The "down low" is a term used to refer to
black men who have sex with men but do not identify as bisexual or gay. USA
Today's article on March 15, 2001, was the first to focus exclusively on the
down low, but the story dramatically shifted the focus from black gay men to
black women. "Black men who hide their bisexuality can put women at
risk," the headline said. While “down low” presents a real concern for
some men and their spouses or partners not all bisexual men should be viewed as
transmitters of AIDS. Bisexual women too, have become scapegoats for the
transmission of AIDS from the heterosexuals to lesbians. The need for more
research, education, and better treatments, as well as an end to falsely
labeling certain groups of people as transmitters for the disease is an
immediate one. Bisexuals
experience much of the same kind of discrimination as gays and lesbians do,
including discrimination in housing and employment, and may become victims of
homophobic or anti gay violence. But they also have to suffer the double-edged-sword of
also receiving discrimination by the lesbian and gay community itself.
Bisexuals are sometimes perceived as "hiding homosexuals'', a sense that
some bisexuals use bisexuality to "pretend" to be heterosexual at
work and general social events to enjoy the "heterosexual privilege''.
Also, bisexuals are sometimes seen as "weakening" the lesbian and gay
movement. Another reason is that some gay men and lesbians sometimes also have
sex with members of the opposite sex (while not identifying as bisexual). They
often can't admit this within the lesbian and gay community (probably because
of peer pressure), and see bisexuality as a threat to their own acceptance. Support and Help for Bisexuals Does any of the above sound familiar? Are you or someone
you know struggling with ambivalence or confusion over your sexual orientation?
Or are you ready to embrace a bisexual orientation? Are you seeking community
to share your developing identity with others? If so, reach out for support
now. Check out one of the many bisexual support groups or therapists to find a
safe place to express your feelings and meet others who are going through
similar experiences. One to one counseling or therapy can also be helpful in
sorting out feelings and gaining clarity and self-confidence. Be careful to seek out a non-judgmental therapist who is supportive of
bisexuality and has expertise in bisexual issues. Last, but certainly
not least, there are now many excellent books on bisexuality, which may help
you understand and fully embrace your sexual orientation. Sheldon Lewin has a Masters degree in Social Work from
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