People Tell Their Stories:
Family and Relationship Issues

 

Could Hav, Would Hav  Anonymous

 

“Give me your hand. You don't have to do it that way. I am here,” Bob said, standing below her with his arm outstretched.  Susan hoped she could lean against the hill to keep her feet from sliding while navigating the remainder of the decline.  The last few wooden steps had been eroded on the path leading down the cliff, forcing those descending to become creative in negotiating the remaining eight-foot drop to the Sonoma Beach below. 

 

Her strategy had been to hold on to the sandy hill while she inched her feet down the sloop.  She realized her way was neither easy nor graceful.  If she would just loose twenty pounds, she might not feel so awkward, she thought to herself.  She gratefully took his arm and quickly moved down the hill. 

 

Susan squinted a bit, as she looked west into the sun.  The ocean was a bit rough, the breeze strong, warm.  Luckily, the tides were out, so the beach was wide and open, pretty much uninhabited on this Saturday afternoon in September. She took off her shoes and placed them behind a large log.  The sand felt warmer on her feet than she expected.  Bob sat on the log and slipped out of his own shoes.

 

They walked down the beach easily moving into a synchronized stride.  Susan listened intently as he told her about a comical incident on his flight from New York and the dynamics in the meetings he had been attending in Napa.  She moved easily into her familiar role of consultant regarding how to handle the cast of characters in his business. They talked and laughed about their kids and grand kids sharing news one or the other had.  Susan felt his pleasure and her own as they relaxed, strolled the beach and talked. 

 

She was sure he missed these talks as much as she did. It had been a long time since they had conversed with such ease, with so little pain.  They had lived separately for a year now. Shortly, the divorce would be final. Through the pain of tearing apart, they had taken care to be gentle, to show as much kindness as either one had found possible at any given moment.  They had done it well. Both now were grateful for their effort. 

 

Three months earlier, in June, Susan had gotten in her car and headed west.  She had always wanted to live on the West Coast but had not pushed her preference, as Bob was an East Coast person.  Happily, in two weeks she would be moving to Oregon and a community that had captured her heart.

 

“Are you willing to be my consultant?” Susan asked, trying not to assume.  She was not sure what her "rights" were in this new relationship they were forming.  “Sure,” he replied.   "Do you think it would be a wise use of my money to open a bed and breakfast?” she asked. 

 

“It would really confine you, but you have enough,” he replied in that voice he used when he wanted to tell her what to do without making it sound like he was telling her what to do. 

 

They moved on down the beach while Bob talked about mortgages and points and getting a business consultant to help her set up the books.  Susan half listened as she thought about a number of times in their twenty five years of marriage she had been dissuaded from one project or another. 

 

“Why did you ask him if you didn't want his opinion and why do you give his opinion such weight anyway?” she asked herself.  True she had some qualms about this project herself for just some of the same reason.  She stopped asking him questions and he stopped giving answers.

 

They walked in silence.  A golden retriever soaked from his romp in the surf ran towards them as they both laughingly scurried out of his way, trying to avoid the shower emanating from his gyrating body.  Susan looked at Bob's silver hair haloed by the sun in the western sky.  She noticed how impeccable his new haircut was and asked, “What's it like for you?  Actually, I don't know if I have the right to ask this question, so tell me if it feels intrusive.” 

 

“Ask anything you want” he replied. 

 

“What's it like for you being with men?”  He thought for a moment, stopped, then turned to her and said, “It's a relief.  I don't have to perform anymore.  I actually haven't had that much experience, but I know it is right for me inside.”

 

Susan was surprised and grateful for the pleasure she felt for him.  It had not been easy for this New England man to journey to the depths needed to claim this knowing. 

 

Bob continued. “I ask myself, why has it taken you so many years?  I should have done this earlier.” 

 

Susan looked into his eyes and said, “If you could hav, you would hav.” 

 

A smile slowly came across his face as gratitude filled his eyes.  They walked in silence for a few moments.

 

“How has it been for you?” Bob asked. 

 

“There hasn't been anyone”, she replied with tears in her eyes, not at all happy to feel the sadness take over her body.  She knew Bob saw her pain and was grateful he did not touch her or say anything.  She swallowed hard and said, “Sometimes, I think there is no one out there for a silver-haired woman of sixty, but I know the deeper issue is mine.  I have to gain back, for myself, the sense of being desirable.  There were many great things about us but my feeling desirable was not one of them.” 

 

Bob looked at her with great tenderness.  “I know. I'm sorry about that.  You used to say you didn't feel desired, and I would feel hurt and attacked by that statement.  Actually, I really didn't know what you meant.  I do now.  I feel badly that happened.  We had some great sex, but the desire you're talking about, I didn't know or understand.” 

 

Susan felt warmed inside by that acknowledgement. It validated her knowing.  “If I am honest, she said slowly, “I really have to admit I let us down too.  You know I have not been truly surprised by your desire to be with men.  I was scared to take a stand.  Just saying our sex life wasn't O.K. for me and asking you to go to therapy too wasn't enough.  I should have insisted earlier for both of us.”  

 

Bob paused, waiting for her to lift her face and meet him and then said, “If you could hav, you would hav.”  Susan looked away, letting that seep into the deepest part of her being and rest there.

 

They walked back up the beach toward their cars talking about where to go to dinner.  They decided on a nearby Indian restaurant, their favorite food.  During dinner, they reminisced about a trip they had taken to India.  Bob told Susan he hadn't had any good Indian food since she had left.  He always had particularly liked her Indian cooking. 

 

In the parking lot they made arrangements to see each other at Thanksgiving, a new tradition they were starting.  Then, Susan suggested he follow her back to town. She would leave him at the highway leading to Route 101 and his hotel.  They hugged each other long and firmly and then got in their separate cars.

 

Susan led the way through Sebastopol to Route 12 and pulled into the left lane.  Bob pulled up on the right side and waved intently.  His green light and her green arrow flashed at the same moment, and each car moved. 

 

Susan, expecting loneliness to overpower her again, was surprised at the sense of freedom she felt rounding the corner.  As she accelerated down the street her body softened.  Yes, she had loved seeing Bob and talking as they used to. Yes, she sometimes missed being in a relationship.  But more importantly, a shift had happened—one she hadn’t fully noticed until this moment.  She had lost her partner, but in the process she had gained something precious.  "It's my life now, all mine," she said.