People Tell Their Stories:
Abuse and Violence

Saying good-by to the verbal abuse bond  ISB
 
I grew up with constant verbal abuse. I was told daily how terrible I was. My soul disappeared from view as a result of this, and I believed that what I heard was true. I was terrible.
 
I have spent a lifetime trying to recover from this. I've had great trouble because I've made all the choices in my life from a place of thinking I had no worth.
 
Then a few days ago, a long-time friend of mine became verbally abusive for the third time. I struggled greatly with it, thinking, she must be right, I am all those terrible things she says about me.
 
But then I decided I had to say good bye to her. I didn't want to lose a friend, but I didn't see how to keep the friendship going. And I decided it was time to let go of my bond to abuse.
 
I remember learning in a college psychology course about puppies who were burned slightly by experimenters and still formed strong bonds with them. I felt the same. The bond I formed with my mother was a bond of abuse. It was the only kind of bond I was going to get. And in order to have any bond at all, I had to in a sense agree to being a "terrible child". It was part of the deal. And so, I've walked around all my life believing that.
 
Today in a meditation I pictured myself letting go of that bond. Because I know I will then be able to see myself as good and special and wonderful. If I say no to that old agreement with my mother, then I will know that I am full of love and light.
 
It also seems like by staying bonded to the abuse, I couldn't be in my body. Because I needed that bond as a child, and had to deny the truth, which was that my mother was crazy. Now if I go deep in my belly, I can know what's true, and I can be in my body in a very deep way, not just a surface way like I have been until now.
 
I think this is very important to my healing on all levels, including from a chronic illness I have.
 
By saying good bye to the abuse bond, I feel like I'm being born! Like I truly can nurture myself, finally.

|  Abuse and Violence |  People Tell Their Stories  |