People Tell Their Stories:
Healing/Illness/Caregiving

Opening To Support For This Thing Called Cancer  Mary Jackson
 
I've been living with breast cancer for six years now. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February of 1992. From that moment on my life I began to change. As an Afro-American woman, it is not in our culture to talk about things. We keep it all in. We are the caretakers of our families--the backbones of our families, so we never discuss the "C" Word.

I moved my whole family to California in 1986, by way of Texas, and got the best job I ever had in my life. I was hired by Alameda County as a janitor. As often is the case, I had to go through a physical in order to get the job. Somehow, a mammogram was taken.

It came back with something wrong, so I was asked to come back and redo it, but I shined it off. I was never one to do breast self-exams or mammograms. I only went to the doctor when I was very, very ill, and couldn't go to work. I was taking care of two adopted boys and attending to my ailing mother, so I didn't have time to be ill.

Eventually, they called me at work and insisted that I retake this mammogram. So I did it, and went back to work. Not too long after that, I got a call from the doctor, a surgeon, that said she wasn't satisfied with what she saw.

The Doctor's Call

That doctor became my best friend. I really loved her because she cared. I was really blessed to have such a very caring doctor. She asked me to humor her by getting a biopsy, and in turn, I made her promise not to pawn me off to some other doctor. As a result, she has been following me and my care ever since.

She did a biopsy, and when I woke up from it, I thought I heard her say that I was fine. That is what I wanted to hear. So I went back to work. One week later she called me to tell me not to come to her office alone. I had an appointment with her the next day. She said, "We need to talk, and I don't want you coming out here by yourself." I went into shock.

My oldest son is about six feet tall and he saw the expression on my face. I was on my way downstairs, because I have a tendency to go to my kitchen and cook when I get upset. Well, he was constantly on my heel asking me what was wrong. I kept saying "Nothing". But when I got in the kitchen, I turned around, and there he was, this big tall guy, and I just fell into him and started crying.

For the first time in my life, I had to stop and tell my family that something was wrong with me, and I wasn't used to doing that. Before that, I took care of everything. I was the rock of my family. They never knew when I had problems; they never knew when things weren't going right, because I took care of it.

Reaching Out For and Receiving Support

But this time, I couldn't do this. This was too big. I couldn't do it by myself. I did not know what to do. So, I picked up the phone and called someone to go to the doctor with me.

I got lost going back to the doctor that day. I had been out there a hundred times and I got lost that day. I finally got there, and I had all these people there with me. It's good I did, because I didn't understand anything the doctor was saying to me. I told her she had made a mistake. Then, I found myself in surgery not too long after that.

Before I had surgery though, I realized that for the first time I didn't have to do everything. I got someone to come and take care of my mom. My friends and family surrounded me. Friends made sure my family had food. I even had a friend come and get in the shower with me after I got home from surgery, because I was afraid to get into the shower and look at myself. I never realized that I was loved until I got cancer. I never realized that people appreciated me until I got cancer. I am very spiritual, so I draw my strength from God. But my church family also just overwhelmed me with so much love.

Coping with the Changes Cancer Brought

I called the Women's Cancer Resource Center in Oakland, California during that time. They were there for me, supported me and I got a volunteer to help me. But the loss of my breast was, and remains very hard for me. I still struggle with the loss of my breast everyday, because I never came to grips with it. I didn't have time to grieve. I had to do what it took to stay alive and get back into taking care of my family.

I also didn't know that I had a family history. I didn't know that my aunt's daughter died of breast cancer. It metastasized and she died. I never understood what she died of until I got diagnosed, called my aunt and said, "Listen, I need to know." That is when I discovered that I had a family history.

So it is important for us to know our history. But it is also important for us to know that cancer is not a death sentence.

I have really, really grown since cancer has touched my life. I feel like God has given me another chance at life by showing me how much I was loved. Even people at work supported me and surround me with love. Before cancer, I just went around doing my job, and never realized the people really cared about me.

Moving in a New Direction

I was a janitor, and when I went back to work, I couldn't do the work that I had been hired to do because I developed lymphodemia, which is a swelling when they remove your lymph nodes.

God just opened a door where I made a complete career change. I became a clerk, and I had no idea what that meant, because I had always done hard labor. I woke up the morning I was to report to that new job and asked myself, "What have I done?" I had resigned from something I knew, and was going into something I didn't know. The first day I was there, I stood up the whole time. My supervisor said to me, "You can sit down."

I really believe that God always provides you with what you need. He will place people into your life. He will open up doors for you.

At this point in my life, I have been through a lot of changes. My mom passed away two years ago. My two boys are grown, and I realize that they really love me. At this point, I am living on my own.

I went back to Women's Cancer Resource Center to volunteer. I realized how blessed I was to have so much love and support that surrounded me. When I first moved here, I didn't realize what support was because I never had it before. I came from a very dysfunctional family. I wanted to give some of that back.

We Are Not Alone

That is why I am at the Women's Cancer Resource Center today--so that every woman can know that you do not have to do this alone. And that we are loved, and God loves us all. The love that we share, we have to continue to pass that on. I have never seen so many women fighting this disease. I never even knew about it until I got cancer myself. When I was given my blood during the surgery, the number of women that were in the room doing the same thing ‚ I was just blown away.

I really am blessed and honored to stand before you and say that I claimed a victory.

© 1998 Healing Journeys. This transcript is from the 1998 Cancer as a Turning Point-- From Surviving to Thriving™ Conference held in Oakland, California and is used by permission of Jan Adrian, Executive Director of Healing Journeys.

Mary Jackson is a volunteer and co-chair of the board of directors at the Women's Cancer Resource Center in Oakland, California. She provides in home practical support services to women and facilitates the African-American support group for women with cancer.

Healing Journeys (www.healingjourneys.org) sponsors a free annual Cancer as a Turning Point, From Surviving to Thriving™ conference in Northern California and other locations. The purpose of the conference is to celebrate, empower, awaken and network all those whose lives are touched by cancer or any life-threatening illness, including people experiencing illness, healthcare providers and people supporting friends or family with cancer. If you would like more information about Healing Journeys and its conferences or to find out about videotapes of past conferences, call 800-423-9882. You can also e-mail Jan Adrian of Healing Journeys at jan@healingjourneys.com

One final note: as part of this talk, Mary Jackson highly recommends a book composed by Afro-American women living and surviving with cancer, called Celebrating Life. She says, "It's a book by beautiful Black women. When I'm having my moments and I do have my moments, I pick up this book, look through it and read it. It reminds me that there is hope and that I can still be beautiful."