People Tell Their Stories:
Land of the Multiply Challenged:
When a Lot Falls Apart at Once

Jonah's story: The man with a second chance  Jonah Blue

I remember the day it all began. Mid-December 1985, on a winter beach in Laguna, California. My wife, Alissa, suddenly felt fatigued like she had never felt before. A short while later she came down with a "bad flu"--so we thought. This eventually turned out to be Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome(CFIDS) That started my career as a caregiver-a new role for me. and one that continued for many years until Alissa finally got healed.
 
A short while after Alissa got sick, my financial security blanket pretty much disappeared, and I had to find new ways to make a living. And this wasn't going to be easy. I would have to deal with ageism, and also give up old roles that, at one time in my life, were gratifying and made me feel important, but were no longer appropriate for me now.
 
As this was all happening, it felt like it was just "too much" Prior to this time, my outer life seemed to be in control. Things didn't always work out the way I wanted to, but I could always do something-fix it or take some action to make it come out okay.
 
This time was different. Everything I tried turned out to be a bust. "Sure things" didn't manifest. Logical planning and preparation brought zero results.
 
How did I react? Like Job in the bible. "Why me,?" I asked. What did I do to deserve this? I felt really sad-and angry. I even held imaginary conversations with "Great Spirit" (my name for God) I told Great Spirit that I had been doing my best down here and didn't deserve what was happening to me. Actually, I didn't tell Great Spirit, I yelled at it.
 
At the same time, some part of me began to realize that something else was happening besides my self-indulgent rantings. It was the part that had been on a spiritual search and meditating for some 15 years, And while it was somewhat dormant in the initial stages of my 'why me?" period, I was still able to meditate and find some momentary peace on a morning following a night that I had told Great Spirit off.
 
But I stayed in the victim mode for quite some time I even wrote down a list of some 20 to 30 things that had not worked out just to make me see how much I was suffering. I also bemoaned the loss of some friends who couldn't spend time with Alissa and me any more because they couldn't take all the bad news.
 
Then, one day, I passed a church which had an announcement board outside telling people that on the following Sunday the minister was going to speak on the subject of Jonah, The man with the second chance. Even though I was using my birth name at the time, something resonated with me about the name Jonah-and the idea of a second chance.
 
I decided to go back and reread the story of Jonah the prophet in the bible. I found out that Jonah did not follow God's command to go to Nineveh, and as a result, ended up in the ocean--only to be saved by a great whale who spit him out on the beach three days later. Then, once again, God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh---and this time-he went.
 
At that moment, I realized that I was like Jonah, and that I was being given a second chance. I saw that prior to this time, I had been primarily involved in satisfying my own ego desires. But now, it was time for me to consciously go down the path of spirit-to learn compassion, be of service to others, and realize my connection with all beings.
 
I also began to understand that all of this 'bad stuff" that was happening to "poor me" was not happening by accident. Indeed, nothing happens by accident. I was being guided down a path -a path of stumbling, fumbling, humbling and service-- which was allowing me to open my heart more and more to my fellow human beings. I was being given the opportunity to go beyond simply meditating and reading great self-help and spiritual books. Now it was time to walk my talk and put all that I had learned into the daily nitty gritty of my life.
 
So-the first thing I did was change my name to Jonah. And I saw that at the same time I had been making a list of all the terrible things that had happened to 'poor me," a whole bunch of miracles had been occurring. New friends had come into our lives with love-and more love. I got a new career as a writer and we moved to the most wonderful place I have ever lived-Ashland, Oregon.
 
Then, Alissa finally was healed and had the idea for our non-profit organization, Life Challenges, The Cybercenter for Living Creatively with Life's Challenges, which we've been working on together.
 
More and more I'm realizing that there is a divine order to things, If I had been conscious enough when I was in my Job stage, I'd have been aware of the miracles that were taking place alongside of all the difficult things. I'd have been less like Moses' followers in the desert, who kept doubting and doubting that they would ever get to the promised land-despite seeing miracle after miracle.
 
I would also have had compassion for those friends who were unable to be there for us in our hard times. I would have realized that our vulnerability brought out their feelings of vulnerability and made them feel uncomfortable.
 
And-now-where am I? Still stumbling from time to time, but feeling more peace in my heart than I have ever known. I realize that everything that seems to happen to me isn't by chance. I still tend to judge occurrences as being "good" or "bad", but in the deepest part of myself, I know that they are all just one big teaching from Great Spirit. And I have a choice as to how I react. If I can accept what is, do the best I can with it, stay in the moment, and let go of attachments as to how it will all work out, I feel good.
 
When I can't do this, I have work to do on myself. My ego, which continues to be a great teacher for me--God bless it, still tries to convince me that I am not safe in the world, and that things will never work out. So I work on loving it, but, at the same time, not listening to these kind of fearful thoughts.
 
I try not to let the past influence my present by assuming that things will always be as they were. More and more, I realize that change is the nature of things, that we are all in permanent "free fall," and that my only security is in the unknown.
 
As I look back on my life, I realize that I have had to let go of three primary illusions which I thought would bring me happiness-The first, was the illusion of worldly power. The second was the illusion of freedom-as typified by my experiences in the 60's. The last was the illusion that being "spiritual" would make me happy-that if I knew enough spiritual truths, said enough affirmations, and meditated the right way, I would never have any problems.
 
I am so grateful for these three illusions, because seeing through them has brought me to where I am today. More and more, I am able to stay in the moment, accept what is, and know that I am always safe in the arms of the eternal Great Spirit. In my deepest heart, I am filled with such gratitude for all that I have been through and for every moment of my life.
 
Jonah Blue is a writer living in Ashland, Oregon, and co-founder and volunteer coordinator of Life Challenges.

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