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Family and Relationship Issues

Men Must Get Involved Early: Rethinking Maternity and Paternity Leave  Julie Shields

Excerpted from The Mommy Trap (Capital Books)

“We always split the time, even when I was breastfeeding.  I actually got a full night’s sleep when my second son was born.  Because we were both home, I never became ‘the expert.’  I was afraid that if that happened, that would be my role forever after.”  Rebecca Powell.

THE EARLY BIRD SPECIAL  

Here’s the secret.  The best way to ensure Dad’s participation is to provide him time alone with his infant, as often and as early as possible.  One employer I’ve heard about, a workaholic father of five, instinctively understands this particular fact of life.  When an employee asked for three months of paternity leave, he took the father-to-be aside and whispered, “Don’t do this.  If you show competence early, you’re ruined forever.” 

Fathers who spend time with their newborns want to continue, and their wives and children will rely on them to do so.  If they hold their infants, dads develop protective feelings for and crave physical contact with them.  Touching and smelling babies affects human beings like a drug.  The release of oxytocin, the “hormone of harmony and attachment,” stimulates an urge in both mothers and fathers to love, touch, kiss, and care for their child.[i]  Another hormone -- vasopressin – also leads men to fatherly behavior, nurturing, and cuddling.[ii]  And, rather than ruining him, becoming close to his children completes a man in a way that will later seem natural and desirable. 

Rebecca Powell’s theory that she had to get her husband involved in the beginning is correct, from both a biological and a societal perspective.  Very often, the first three months determine the relationship a father will have with his child.[iii]  Once women develop increased ability and attachment, men rarely catch up. 

Also, children and fathers benefit from more contact specifically during those early months.  Most of that good stuff about how well children do when fathers take an active role happens in the beginning.  For example, children tended by their dads during the first six months become more socially responsive, deal better with stress, and achieve greater intellectual and motor development.[iv]  Think of the millions of dollars people spend on Baby Genius videotapes, Bach and Mozart recordings for in the womb stimulation, Gymboree classes, and the like.  If they really wanted smarter, popular, more capable babies they would simply arrange for Dad to spend more time at home.

ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE HIM A CHANCE

Usually, American fathers take a week or less off from work during and after the birth of a baby and American mothers at least six weeks.[v]  At this point, the responsibility for childrearing (and most of the great parenting payoffs) devolves to women, often permanently.  In Kidding Ourselves: Breadwinning, Babies, and Bargaining Power, Rhona Mahony notes

 

“The typical mother has a head start in developing strong feelings toward her newborn baby.  She has been consciously taking care of it for six months.  He [her husband] has just begun to hold it in his hands.  In a sense, she is six months ahead of him.” 

 

By the time a mother who takes a three-month maternity leave returns to work, she may be up to nine months ahead of her husband in knowledge of and involvement with their child.  This difference will probably make Dad less inclined to share childcare regardless of whether Mom returns to work or stays home.  In turn, she may even discourage or belittle him each time he tries to “help” because she will read the baby’s cues much faster.

 

This disparate expertise will look like biology, and it will result in part from her biological head start, but only in part.  The remainder comes from the choices the couple made not to counteract female biology with male biology.  As part of their study of the transition to parenthood, Phillip and Carolyn Pape Cowan set up support groups for couples during pregnancy, which continued through the early months of the babies’ lives.  There, Carolyn Cowan observed the interaction of first time mothers and fathers with each other and their babies:

 

“You could just catch it when it was happening.  She just couldn’t keep herself from telling him how to do it.  It wasn’t horrible, but it did interfere with giving him some space to figure out how he’s going to do it. 

Now, if we could point it out, gently, especially with some humor and warmth, which we tried to do – most women said things like, “Oh, my gosh, I didn’t even realize it, but that’s really true.”  And they would really try.  And then the guys would get braver, and just pick up the baby whether they knew what to do or not.  They didn’t necessarily feel comfortable at it in the beginning.”

 

Fathers gain experience and interest in their children when they take on responsibility for and spend time with them, alone.  Mothers gain competence and attachment the very same way.  Women don’t realize that when they plan their maternity leave they map out their parenting roles forever after.  They also don’t recognize that they push their husbands away from their children when they could instead welcome them in and provide dads with the opportunities they need to learn to parent. 

 

THE OFFICIAL MESSAGE IS WRONG

 

Why don’t expectant mothers appreciate the repercussions of their maternity-leave decisions?  For starters, most believe their husbands will partner rather than just lend a hand here and there.  After all, today’s men participate in labor and delivery, cut umbilical cords, and help push out and catch babies.  They also attend classes that teach “natural childbirth,” preparing them for what to do on that special day. 

But, after the first few days, many fathers distance themselves from or are marginalized at home.  As a result of having soaked up the culture, peer group behavior, and tradition:

 

·        Many women think they should take as much time as they can professionally and financially afford to be with their babies.

·        Many men think they should go back to work as soon as possible and provide for their families. 

 

Mothers gain expertise at home during the most intense, physical period of parenting.  Fathers return to the world.  New parents cannot divide their new duties close to equally if they choose the usual way to structure maternity and paternity leaves.  Any person who tries to share a job with somebody who works somewhere else full time will end up with the lion’s share of the position’s responsibilities. 

 

In addition to spelling disaster for sharing childcare, the standard division of new parents’ efforts harms children, mothers, and fathers.  Children do not reap the benefits of early fathering (which translates into lifetime involvement).  Though any doctor will excuse a new mother from work for six to eight weeks after giving birth, the normal deployment of resources forces women to go through the most exhausting and draining experience they will likely ever have, mostly alone. 

 

Separating men from home during the early days as a family doesn’t make them happy either.  Every male expert I consulted emphasized that the birth of the first child represents the nadir of marriage for men.  Dr. Robert Wohlfort, psychologist and father, explains

 

“Oftentimes, the husband feels excluded.  A third party comes in and takes a lot of the mother’s time, so he may well be feeling on the outs.  Which he is.  It’s not just that he feels that way.  He is.  There’s more energy going in there.”

 

In studying the transition to parenthood, Carolyn Cowan repeatedly observed new fathers having a hard time: “Everybody was finding it difficult.  The men are really wanting more time.  They don’t want to miss anything with the baby, many of them.”

 

Two thirds of first-time fathers become depressed during their babies’ first three months, called “the fourth trimester” of pregnancy.[vi]  The best treatment for dads’ depression is more contact with their baby.  But well-known  statistics about leisure time and fathers’ participation with children show that most men don’t get more contact with their babies.  Instead, they channel their efforts outside of the family.  Societal and familial beliefs about gender roles can take over, leaving an interested dad with nothing to do other than provide. 

When my friend Jim became a father, he confided:

 

It’s hard on me to be at work all day.  I want to know what’s going on at home.  I want to get to know my son.  This is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me and here I am pushing paper.  I’m distracted all the time and my mind isn’t on my clients.

 

By the time their second child was born, Jim wanted only for his wife, Tammy, and new baby to sleep in another room so he could return to work rested.  A year later, he complained that she slept with the children and not with him.  Where Jim and his wife Tammy both worked and had careers before the birth of their first child, he had now become the primary breadwinner, and viewed his role as father mainly as provider and weekend playmate. 

 

Jay Belsky performed the other definitive study on the transition to parenthood, in addition to the Cowans’ study.  He warns that fathers who don’t make the time early on have difficulty developing closeness with their children:

 

When I used to watch fathers, they’d come home and they’d pick up the paper and they’d go read it and they’d be behind this paper.  And I thought, “this kid’s going to be four years old and now they’re going to want to go out and play ball.”  But then they won’t have a relationship base.

 

That’s the old, 1950’s way we’ve supposedly discarded.  The new family paradigm of parenting partners has distinct advantages for dads.  They can create lifetime happiness by putting more time in at home in the beginning.

 

HOW IT HAPPENS

 

Most of the references women rely on during pregnancy do not warn of the pitfalls ahead.  For example, the best-selling What To Expect When You’re Expecting devotes only 9 of its 428 pages to fathers, in a chapter called “Fathers Are Expectant, Too.”  The authors assume mothers will choose whether to work or stay home, and fathers will have to try hard not to be left out.  In a section headed “Can I Afford A Larger Family?” the authors wheedle and cajole the breadwinning man

 

If the new mother is planning not to go back to her job right away and this concerns you from a financial standpoint, recognize that weighed against the costs of quality child care, a business wardrobe, and commuting, the amount of income lost may really be minimal.[vii]

 

Hello?  What century are we in?  Note the presumptions: Mom wants to be home, Dad doesn’t want to be home and doesn’t want her home because he’s losing money, and the needs of the child are the mother’s concern alone.  In the next section, titled “Will I be a Good Father?” after stating that few mothers instinctively know what to do but learn through on-the-job training, the authors counsel:

 

But if you feel you’ll be more comfortable with the tasks at hand if you’re formally prepared, by all means take a parenting class – if one is available in your area – to learn how to diaper, bathe, feed, hold, dress, and play with your baby.  If a class isn’t available, or if you have an unquenchable thirst for such preparation, dive into a pile of childcare books.[viii]

 

In effect, the authors say “Dad, you’re sweet to think you can do something here, but it’s really not your job.”  To be involved, a father will need to do a lot more than follow up on this half-hearted advice.  Even if he proves a real go-getter and reads all of those books, (a) he won’t have a clue and (b) he won’t get a clue because he’ll be at work. 

“A pile of childcare books” didn’t show me what to do.  Nor did instinct, my female predilection to nurture, or the fact that my body was exploding with mother’s milk.  I learned what to do with my first child because I had no choice.  Trial and error, no more and no less.  Do not take the advice in those books unless you want a traditional division of childcare, as in 90/10.

 

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU LEAVE IT TILL LATER

 

George and Lauren Martling got into unequal situations in the first week of their newborn’s life.  Lauren took no graphic design work for four months, tending her son, Dan, the entire time.  George stayed home for three days, and went back to his job, full-time, same schedule, including about six weeks in travel overseas every year.  Looking back, Lauren says:

 

Ever since George went back to work on day four, Dan has been my responsibility.  George never learned how to do anything except play with Dan.  I found Pilar, and I co-ordinate my schedule with hers.  I didn’t realize what had happened until he said his life hadn’t changed.  Then I saw that we had actually grown apart.  I thought having kids would be more of a bonding experience.

 

Lauren signed up for the on-the-job training course, and her husband did not.  Listen to what What To Expect The First Year has to say about the possibility of “Dad Taking Time Off” during the early months:

 

While changing diapers and doing laundry might not seem like much of a vacation, to some fathers enjoying those first days as a family can offer more fun than a Mardi Gras, more awe and inspiration than a view of the Grand Canyon, and more memories to cherish than a round-the-world cruise.  If your husband feels this way, by all means make the time following baby’s arrival vacation time.  Be sure, however, that he is fully acquainted in advance with basic household mechanics: laundry, simple cooking, vacuuming, and so on.[ix]

 

          Having read these passages, it’s no wonder women think they’ll take care of everything themselves, and somehow share the ups and downs of their new life.  In essence, the “experts” and the way most others arrange their lives give prospective parents the message that:

 

·        Men’s involvement stops at the hospital.

·        Fathers don’t significantly contribute to parenting (except as providers).

 

Carolyn Cowan observed parents in steady conflict during the first few years over their roles, and noticed they felt they had no control over how things evolved. 

 

We asked them in our study how they expected it to be, and asked them later how it really was at a number of different points after having the baby.  The couples tended to describe the who-does-what of life as if it had happened to them, as if they didn’t have very much to do with it.

 

That’s because they followed the old rules of the road, which will usually take parents to a mother-dominant, father-distanced arrangement.  The new rules for men:

 

·        Participation starts well before labor and delivery

·        Fathering involves significant amounts of time and effort, including regular time alone with children beginning in the first days of life

 

How much parenting a father does depends in large part ot he mother.[x]  Here, women hold the cards.  They can make changes so fathers don’t get separated from children. 

 

PATERNITY LEAVE: THE NEW FRONTIER

 

Given the importance of men’s early involvement, paternity leave is a critical issue.  Women must change their aspiration levels, asking their husbands to take the same amount of time they do, and to do baby care alone.  That’s if you want an equal effort.  If you want 90/10, do it the regular way.  If you want 60/40, try for a 60/40 split of paternity and maternity leave.  Keep your aspiration levels as high as you can reasonably justify.

When you push that baby bomb out, your bargaining power will plummet to its lowest ever.  If your husband expects before you marry and before you decide to have children that he will take time off, he will make himself available.  If you do not understand that Dad must stay home for a while, alone, you may well find yourself in the Mommy Trap. 

Rhona Mahony advises women who want to share childrearing do the following before getting pregnant

   Have a conscious, open discussion.  Count how much leave you can take.  Negotiate hard for him to take time too, in the months.  Do not plan for the woman to do it all.

 

What would be the right amount of time for a man to take off for paternity leave?  Months.  Years.  As much as the family can afford.  Do not assume the man’s job is primary or more important, or that a father cannot trade income for family time.

If economics, work policies, or personalities don’t allow for months or years, then what?  At least more time off than that first couple of days.  Perhaps a regular arrangement, like every Friday for three months, or an understanding that if a particular day looks grim, Dad will stop work and rush home.  Whatever makes life easier, and gets men more involved from the start.  No matter what, plan for:

 

·        Dad’s time alone with the baby with minimal and preferably no instruction.

·        Dad to stay home for some period of time by himself. 

 

These suggestions apply to stay-at-home mothers as well.  Certainly, a full-time mother can and should go off the clock on weekends, holidays, and evenings, and every now and then enjoy a coffee break or long lunch hour. 

 

Excerpted from How to Avoid The Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making It Work (Capital Books, 2003)

 

© 2003 Julie Shields. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author from How to Avoid The Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making It Work (Capital Books)

 

Julie Shields is an intellectual property attorney, freelance writer and author of How to Avoid The Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making It Work. She started interviewing couples about parenting arrangements after she quit her job as an attorney to stay at home with her own toddler. The happiest families, she discovered, were ones where partners customized their work and parenting arrangements to accommodate each other’s needs, desires, and talents. This became the inspiration for her book. She lives in McLean, Virginia, with her husband and their two daughters. For more information: http://www.mommytrap.com/